I know what you are all thinking right now. You are all thinking, "Hmmm, I wonder why I am at such a low level of irritation tonight!" PROBABLY IT IS BECAUSE I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND TO POST A MILLION AND FIVE THINGS. Alas for you, I am here now, and will probably post again tonight because there is something wrong with me, I'm sorry, it's terrible, I know.
BUT. Okay, so, everyone and their brother was making cookies today--seriously, my entire twitterfeed was making cookies, what is happening, IS IT NATIONAL COOKIE DAY, WHERE WAS MY MEMO--but I am not everyone, and my
brother wanted stew. And I thought to myself as I was making the stew, "Hey, self, it is widely agreed by assorted members of your family that this is the second-best thing you make, and since you have all kinds of weird BUT IT'S FAMILY ennui about posting your chicken soup secrets, perhaps you should share this with the class instead." So here I am. Sharing.
Some things this recipe is not: vegetarian friendly, even remotely Kosher, good for you
. Seriously, like, augh, this is not Paula Deen bad for you, but it is definitely Ina Garten bad for you. I don't generally spend much time thinking about calories/fat content/whatever--which is possibly because my 13-year-old self was like FUCK SCALES, FUCK MAGAZINES, I WILL EAT LESS IF MY PANTS GET TOO TIGHT AND MORE IF THEY GET TOO LOOSE, OBSESSING ABOUT MY WEIGHT IS STUPID and I never stopped living that way--but I do generally try to stick to eating food that is good for my body, because eating well is great for mental health. This is not that kind of food. At all. BE WARNED.
Some general notes:
a) I am allergic to dairy; anywhere I say "butter," I actually used margarine. I say butter because you
should probably use butter, I hear it's better.
b) Unless I'm baking I don't cook with measurements; my philosophy in the kitchen is largely either "I will read this recipe once and shop/cook based on what I vaguely remember" or, more often, "HERE'S A BUNCH OF THINGS, LALALALA, INTO THE POT THEY GO." This is my recipe, so I can't even point you guys to a version of it with measurements and tell you where to tweak. SORRY GUYS.
c) I wrote this in a conversational, cooking-for-complete-morons format so I can send it to Burro and his frat brothers. I know many of you guys know what "rendering bacon" means, but trust me, Burro and the bros do not. I AM NOT TALKING DOWN TO YOU; I AM TALKING DOWN TO MY BROTHER. Mostly I didn't want to have to write this out twice.
d) Much like that urban legend about the test that you should read over first because the last question is something like "Write your name on top of the page and turn in the test entirely blank for full credit," you should...read this through...before you cook this. Because I am not good at linear thought and this is basically just my average rambling, but about making stew.
OKAY. FORWARD MARCH.( Beef Stew, The Way Burro Likes It: A Recipe, Sort of, And Many Cautionary Tales )