Mar. 31st, 2011

gyzym: (Blueberries!)
Okay, let's set the scene: it's a grey, rainy spring day in Cleveland, Ohio, and I am fourteen years old. My mother and I are arguing about how many usable Haggadahs we have (many of them are old and ripped to shit); my father is in the next room on his cell phone, and Burro and Burrito are upstairs doing god knows what. We're about six hours away from the descent of my extended family, who are coming over for Passover Seder.

My father hangs up the phone, walks into the dining room with an ashen face, and the following conversation (well, more or less; while the whole thing was extremely memorable, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO) ensues.

My Father: Oh, god, that was my mother.
My Mother: What'd she want? Oh, tell me she's not coming, that would be great--
My Father: She ruined the soup.
My Mother: WHAT?
My Father: She said she fermented it--how can you ferment matzo ball soup, what does that even mean--
My Mother: Oh my god, oh my god, what do we do? Can we go to the deli and pick up enough soup for--oh, no, for like 40 people, the day of seder, oh, we're so fucked--
My Father: We could always ask my sister to make it.
Everyone: *Makes the face of horror generally associated with my aunt's cooking*
My Father: Okay, nevermind. You're just going to have to make it.
My Mother: I can't make it, I'm making like six other dishes, when do you think I'm going to have time to--I'm not even very good at it, it's your mother's thing, she had one thing to do--
My Father: She's old!
My Mother: Well obviously she's--
Me: Guys. Calm down. I will make the soup.
My Parents, Together: Sorry, WHAT?


There was some doubt expressed. There were some general rumblings of "But you're 14 and watching people make chicken soup is not the same as having made it yourself and OH GOD I CALLED THE DELI AND THEY ARE OUT OF SOUP I GUESS THIS IS OUR ONLY OPTION." There was a screaming fight between me and my father in the produce section of Giant Eagle--remind me to tell you guys the other Giant Eagle Passover story sometime--because he was convinced you made chicken soup with a red onion, which, no. The point is, six hours later my family sat down and ate my first-ever batch of matzo ball soup, and no one else has made it since.

It's snowing in Cleveland today, because the city went "OH SHIT IT'S ALMOST THE END OF MARCH, WHAT IF THESE PEOPLE FORGET WHERE THEY LIVE, BETTER PELT THEM WITH UNFORTUNATE WEATHER." And, because I feel like making chicken soup but can't be fucked to go to the store, I am posting the recipe (in, er, my typical rambling fashion) for you guys. I told you that story to make you understand when I tell you this: this soup breaks some typical cooking rules. There are some things that I'm going to tell you to do that are going to make you go, BUT I SHOULD DO IT THIS WAY or BUT THAT IS CHEATING. It is fine for you to feel that way; it is fine for you to make this soup however you see fit! But, for the love of god, don't try to tell me to do it differently. This recipe is my baby, my precious, my one and only, and the only thing I am inclined towards being particularly egotistical about, because I have in on the authority of everyone I know (family, friends, college roommates, the groups of people with whom I was only vaguely acquainted who used to flock to my college best friend's house in droves when they found out I was making it) that it is the best chicken soup ever. I have made it at least 10 times a year since I was 14, and my mother made her version before me, and my grandmother made her version before her, and IF YOU KNOCK IT, I WILL CUT YOU.

I am mostly kidding, but seriously, you guys: MY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS RECIPE AND THE SOUP IT PRODUCES ARE NOT RATIONAL. Like, I just...I cannot even explain the degree to which I Am A Jewish Woman And This Is My Chicken Soup Recipe And Damn Right It's Better Than Yours is a thing in my family, but it is, and this is. So read and enjoy and go into it knowing that I will accept concrit on anything at all except this, okay? Okay.

Fucking Delicious Chicken Soup )
gyzym: (Facepalm (Steve))
Right, so, yesterday--WAS IT ONLY YESTERDAY, JESUS CHRIST, I FEEL LIKE TUMBLR IS A TIME VORTEX AND YOU WANDER IN AND NEVER LEAVE--[livejournal.com profile] arineat was like, I feel like drawing rooster Steve and rooster Danny! And I was like PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO THAT I WILL WRITE YOU A FICLET, and SHE DID OH MY GOD :D :D :D. (AND THEN SHE GOT ME A SNAIL BECAUSE SHE IS THE BEST PERSON EVER.)

And then I wrote...uh...this, which is not about Danny and Steve as roosters so much as about domesticity and dreams and bad puns and Steve being a failboat. I don't even know. THIS IS NOT REAL FIC, SORRY RINNY, YOU DESERVE BETTER, I HOPE YOU ARE NOT TOO APPALLED AT ME FOR THIS.

this ficlet does not deserve a title, but if it was going to get one, it would be [PLEASE INSERT YOUR FAVORITE COCK JOKE HERE] )
gyzym: (John Stewart facepalm)
NB: Jeopardy clue/Alex Trebek paraphrased from memory and possibly quite wrong, because I forget to write these things down in the wake of my fam being ridic. This was the basic gist of it, though.

PROOF THAT THIS MACRO, FOUND WHILE TUMBLIN', IS AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF MY FAMILY:



Jeopardy Clue: In certain circumstance, squirrels have been known to eat animals that fall into the family Leporidae, also known as these.
Burrito: Bears!
My Mother: Deer!
My Father: OTHER, SMALLER SQUIRRELS!
Me: ...rabbits.
Alex Trebek: Time's up. The correct answer was rabbits.
Me: Other, smaller squirrels? Really, Dad?
My Father: It is the great regret of my life that we didn't name you Matilda.
gyzym: (Umbrella girl!)
1. sdjfhjsdkfhdsjkfhsdjk jfdshfgjksdhfdshfgdsh you guys [livejournal.com profile] aphelant podficced two of my fics! She did i'll see you when the sun sets east (don't forget me), the Inception fic where Arthur & Eames are in limbo, and that H50 ficlet where Danny sleeps so hard he left a bruise, which I didn't title because I'm asshole. And she also did a truly magnificent rendition of [livejournal.com profile] weatherfront's You're Waiting for an Orgasm, and oh my god, you guys, dsjfhdsjkfhkds THEY ARE AMAZING, THEY ARE ALL SO AMAZING. I'm always just floored when someone wants to podfic my stuff, and these are just. I can't even, she did things with the effects in i'll see you when the sun sets east that are just, oh my god, so much better than the actual fic. AMAZEBALLS. A-MAZE-BALLS.

2. It's [livejournal.com profile] hermette's birthday for another 10 minutes (GETTING THIS IN UNDER THE WIRE YES I AM), and she is SO GOOD TO ME ALWAYS AND THE BEST EVER, so I wrote her a ficlet about Danny and Steve being stupid in love with each other in the morning. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BB. ALL OF MY LOVE. ♥

you're a beautiful and violent word )

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July 2011

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