gyzym: (Feather heart)
FOLLOWING A VERY FRIGHTENING FIVE MINUTES IN WHICH I THOUGHT MY LIVEJOURNAL WAS GONE (it was very frightening, you guys, but eye-opening!) I am importing all my content to Dreamwidth as a backup. I'm not transferring over there permanently, though I may start crossposting, but like. WHAT IF I LOST THE INSPIRATION MEMES AND THE INSOMNIA FICS WHAT WOULD I EVEN DO.

Point being: I have no idea how DW works, with "access" and "circles" and all these other things--I'm sure it's awesome, but I don't know how it goes. So if you get a notification from me over there (same name as here), rest assured I didn't know what I was doing and/or the system did it for me. Unless it's an awesome notification, in which case it was totally me.

SORRY GUYS. I WARNED YOU. IT'S HOUSEKEEPING WEEKEND AT THE CASA DE JIZZ.
gyzym: (Rainbow balloons!)
Uh, what it says on the tin?

Well, no, wait. The truth is, I hesitate to use the word "essay," because that implies some modicum of vague professionalism, and, as you guys know, that is not my wont. In actuality this is a tl;dr word vomit on the topic of bisexuality, because sometimes I just want to talk about things! There wasn't an incident that provoked this, really--I saw a couple things on tumblr that made me go buh?, I've had a couple of RL conversations lately that made me go Really?, so here this is.

As always, the following things are true:
1) I am just a girl on the internet with a lot of feelings, and I don't claim to know shit about shit.
2) This is written from my perspective, dealing with my experiences as an American, cigendered bisexual woman. They're not the same as everyone else's! They're not the same as anyone else's, come to that; every human experience is unique, and no two people feel/act on/deal with things the exact same way.
3) If I have inadvertently offended someone, I apologize profusely, that was not my intention! Let me know and we'll talk about fixing it. ♥

All that said: Bisexuality: One of Those Things No One Should Let Me Get Started Talking About )
gyzym: (Steve/Danny b&w)
Riiiight, so. I sat down tonight to write a post-ep, because it's not really an ep for me until I've written something, because I'm nuts. Instead, I spent far too long watching next week's preview over and over, and then, er. Basically "Steve looked tired in this episode" and "what the hell is Steve doing sitting on a bench when there is WATER he could be SPLASHING IN (like the big puppy he is) RIGHT THERE," coalesced into. Uh. Writing a fic that I think is about PTSD without actually using the term PTSD? Kind-of-ish like Hills Like White Elephants, only not about abortion and not actually in anything like the same style and it kind of did its own thing without my go ahead and I'm, uh, reaaaaaaaally no Ernest Hemingway. In any number of ways, literary talent included.

In short: I have a pretty good idea of how this happened, but I don't really have any idea what it is, and I'm posting it. Whatever. BEGONE FROM MY FOLDER, FANFICTION, or something.

leave the weight in this place behind [steve/danny, 1800 words] )
gyzym: (Danny (the face that goes with the tone))
Sorry, did you want some h/c to go with your overwhelming amounts of glorious gay? Because that turns out to be what I'm in the mood for tonight. Post-ep for 1.20, spoilers obviously contained herein, title from the Avett Brothers' song The Day That Marvin Gaye Died. I have by and large stopped rating shit because it is TOO HARD YO, but, uh, this contains swearing and kissing but no sex? Proceed accordingly.

Title: trip on my words and land on my heart
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Wordcount: 2345
Summary: I love you is hard, and so is I'm sorry.

trip on my words and land on my heart )
gyzym: (Facepalm (Steve))
Alright, so, here's the deal: I'm 25K into a fic that isn't even half done, I have more or less forgotten what solid REM sleep feels like, there is a dude at the coffee place using TWO TABLES even though he is only one person, and I think I misplaced my sanity some time ago. I don't have a case of the Mondays so much as a case of the WHAT THE FUCKING HELLS, but! Who cares, who cares, who cares, because THERE IS A NEW 5-0 TONIGHT.

In honor of this, and because I needed to blow off some steam, please have:

Five Hawaii 5-0 Fics I'm Never Going to Write (That Someone Else Should Totally Write Instead) )

gyzym: (Danny (the face that goes with the tone))
These dreams I keep having, I don't understand:

Steve: Hey, Danny, do you know what 'soothing' is?
Danny: Seriously? What kind of question is that, yes, I know what soothing is, what's with the airquotes, why wouldn't I know that?
Steve: ...because it is an ancient art I learned in my travels of the world?
Danny: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
Steve: *dryhumps*
Danny: WHAT THE HELL
Steve: THIS IS HOW YOU SOOTHE PEOPLE
Danny: NO IT ISN'T, ASSHOLE, STOP THAT, PEOPLE WILL SEE
Steve: SHUT UP AND BE SOOTHED, WILLIAMS.

sdfhdsfhdjf oh subconscious why you so crazy
gyzym: (JUST THIS ONCE)
Saturday brunch did not happen this weekend due to [various and assorted nonsense], so we did pizza dinner tonight instead. Why I always let myself believe they'll be less ridiculous later in the day, I just don't know.

Me: Ugh, this tomato sauce is killing me, I bit the inside of my cheek this morning.
My Mother: DON'T LOOK AT IT.
Me: What?
My Mother: The place you bit, don't look at it, or if you do look at it, don't be surprised if--
Me: Why would I look at it?
My Father: Who looks at that kind of thing? Do you look at it when you bite the inside of your mouth?
My Mother: Well, yeah, I mean, I can feel it, I can't help myself.
My Father: Never look inside your mouth. What are you, crazy?
Me: Okay, well, sometimes I think there's probably a good reason to--
My Father: No, no there's not, there is never a good reason to look inside your own mouth. It's like sushi--just go with it, do not look at what's inside. Unless you're you, I guess, because you're a freak and you like octopus--
Me: Octopus is delicious!
My Father: There are suckers on it.
My Mother: She can eat octopus if she wants.
My Father: We can't go by you, you look inside your own mouth! Only dentists should go there.
Me: Your intensity about this is kind of freaking me out, just so you know.
My Father: You should listen to your father, I know what I'm talking about, and--
Burrito: *BURP*
My Father: Don't burp at the dinner table, you know better than that.
Burrito: Seriously? You guys are talking about the insides of your mouths.
My Father: ....
Me: ....
My Mother: He's kind of got us there, guys.


And then, of course, there was the continuation of the Angry Bird madness after Burrito left the table:

My Mother: So, should I download it?
Me, referring to the conversation she interrupted: ...what, turkey tacos? How would you--
My Father: No, she means the birds.
Me: Oh my god, are we still on Angry Birds?
My Mother: It's all he's been talking about all day.
My Father: I got to the second part! In only a couple of days, that's good, right?
Me: I don't know, I stopped play it when I realized how much of my time it was eating.
My Father: The yellow ones explode when you hit them!
Me: You recognize that you sound like a four year old right now.
My Father: Fuck you, it took me like an hour to figure that out.
My Mother: So, should I download it?
My Father: YES
Me: NO
My Father: DON'T LISTEN TO HER IT'S AWESOME
Me: IT'S TOO LATE FOR HIM, SAVE YOURSELF
Burrito, from the other room: YOU GUYS, STOP YELLING, I'M TRYING TO WATCH A SHOW.


In conclusion, the 11 year old is the only mature adult out of all of us, and it's not even much of a surprise. The end!
gyzym: (Lady in white)
jsfhdsf TODAY IS NOT GOING THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO, because djfhdjskf my family and dsfjhdsfhs oversleeping and sfhdjfdskf THIS REALLY BIZARRE DREAM WHERE I WAS DATING THE HOTTEST GIRL IN THE HISTORY OF TIME FOR LIKE, A YEAR, AND THEN I TURNED AROUND ONE DAY AND SHE WAS A GIANT MONSTER, LIKE SERIOUSLY, SO GIANT, SO MANY ANGRY TEETH, SHE CHASED ME AND TRIED TO EAT ME AND NOT IN A FUN WAY, I THINK MAYBE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO RUN AN EXTRACTION ON ME. I have so many things to write and so many things to edit and I will be back for real to do all that in an hour or two, this is a driveby post to share a couple of things:

1. via [livejournal.com profile] iamspace:



MOSTLY FOR ALEX'S SMILEY FACE WITH THE GUITAR ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH. ALSO SCOTTY'S "HEY I AM ON MY PHONE RAWR I AM SUCH AN ADORABLE GRUMPYFACED ASSHOLE" FACE. ALSO GRACE PARK. ALSO DDK. BUT MOSTLY ALEX'S SMILEY FACE OH MY GODDDD HOW IS HE REAL.

2. So last night instead of going to bed I shut down everything except that fucking Disney princess generator! Which, what the fucking shit, why did this program do this to me.

First I did Steve and Danny as princesses: )

Then, because John and Sherlock were on the brain, I did them too: )

And then I was going to do Arthur and Eames, but, in a moment of half-asleep four AM madness, said to myself, "JIZZY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU WROTE THAT WHOLE FIC WHERE ARTHUR WAS DISNEY PRINCESSES."

So you guys don't get to see the princess version of Eames. You do get to see every princess Arthur was in A Whole New World, though. )

THIS HAS BEEN TODAY'S EPISODE OF "WHY THE HELL DO YOU READ THIS LIVEJOURNAL, OBVIOUSLY GYZYM IS OUT OF HER MIND." Tune in next week for, uh, more of same, although hopefully with increased sleep and decreased fucking princesses. I'm off to clean all of the things and then I will be back, writing Steve/Danny words until the cows come home. I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING AN AWESOME SATURDAY ♥!
gyzym: (BBC Sherlock eyes)
A Story: last summer, I started writing this BBC Sherlock fic about Sherlock The Terrible Roommate. And then I stopped one scene away from finishing it and forgot about it. And then I remembered and finished it! And now I'm putting it up. I KNOW, THAT WAS A WILDLY ENTERTAINING STORY, I'M AMAZED AT MY BRILLIANCE TOO.

So, uh, happy April Fool's Day, here's 5,000 words of ridiculous Sherlock fic. Regularly scheduled programming will resume shortly.

Title: Like Leaves & Kings (All Things Must Fall)
Pairing: John/Sherlock
Rating: PG-13?
Summary: Sherlock is the worst roommate in the world. John suffers him less gladly than he could, but better than most. [I recognize that this is basically a summary of the canon. Sue me. Summaries are hard.]

Like Leaves & Kings (All Things Must Fall) )
gyzym: (Term of endearment)
This is the first chapter of a fucking Princess Bride AU that I am apparently going to post serially, I honestly, I don't even know what else to say, oh my god, this is so ridiculous, this is straight up unmitigated crack, please understand that I mean it only as crack. Crack. Craaaaaack. I DO NOT TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY AT ALL AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU, IS MY POINT.

Also, I've kind of changed. Um. Some things. A lot of things. And the summary is for the overall story even though it's not all actually written yet because the hell if I'm writing a summary for every chapter because I HATE SUMMARIES and oh, god, I'm just going to stop talking now. EXCEPT TO SAY THAT I BLAME [livejournal.com profile] iam_space FOR PLANTING THE IDEA AND [livejournal.com profile] hermette FOR ENCOURAGING IT AND [livejournal.com profile] leupagus FOR DEMANDING I WRITE IT FASTER. Seriously. It's their fault. It's not mine.

Title: Totally Not A Kissing Book - Chapter One
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG-13, but really only for language
Summary: Danny's the hottest guy in Florin, Steve's a lunatic, Kono's a bad ass, and Chin doesn't get paid enough for this shit. So really, nothing's changed at all.

Totally Not A Kissing Book - Chapter One )
gyzym: (John Stewart facepalm)
THE TITLE OF THIS POST IS NOT MY FAULT, OKAY, IT'S REALLY NOT.

Right, so, I almost finished the Steve counterpart to that fic I put up earlier, only then my brain crapped out and [livejournal.com profile] elrhiarhodan did this music quiz thinger where you put your iTunes on shuffle and answer questions with the songs that come up. So I did that, and got mostly hilarious results, which I then...went through and talked about...because I have this problem where I am incapable of shutting up.

You guys are going to think so much fucking less of my music taste after this. HOWEVER, the basic principals of this XKCD comic (totally and very much copyright Randall Munroe) pretty much apply here as well:



In conclusion: try to contain your disdain. I know it will be difficult.

Also, I've concluded that my iTunes actually hates me. )
gyzym: (Matches)
No, really, he does. True story.

Also, oh my god, you guys, I'm sorry, I am sorry, I am so sorry, I know I'm spamming you today, but I just. I cannot believe this just happened, I cannot even believe this is my family, I swear to god I'll go a couple hours without posting anything after this, dsfhsdkjfd.

Right, okay, so before I tell this story, I have to explain something, lest you all think I am a terrible person: in my life, an extremely intimate family gathering is 20 people. Thanksgiving, when it's on the small side, usually hovers somewhere between 40 and 65, and that's just one branch of the, like, ridiculous empire that is my various and sundry relations. Once you get further out than like first cousins, things get complicated; people are ranked by a complex and deeply inexplicable system based on shit that happened 30 years ago and family politics and who isn't speaking to whom this week. I have third cousins I call uncle and aunts I've never met--there's a large category of folks to whom my only technical connection is "well, they're also Jewish and their grandmother was once friends with my grandmother," but who are more important to me than any number of actual blood relations. And the thing is that when you've got a network of people this big to contend with, everyone just falls under the umbrella of "well, they're family," which translates loosely to, "we are allowed to say bad shit about them, but no one else is, EVER."

This leads to interactions like this one between me and my father before Passover last year (I have changed the name herein; I do not actually have even one cousin Ricky, let alone two...er, as far as I know):

Me: I'm going to order the brisket for Pesach.
My Father: Okay, but you gotta go to a different guy this year, we can't go to our guy anymore.
Me: What? Why?
My Father: Well, you know cousin Ricky?
Me: The one who works downtown?
My Father: No, the other one.
Me: There's another cousin Ricky?
My Father: Yeah, you've maybe never met him, he's--doesn't matter, look, the point is, his son and the brisket guy's son, they were supposed to start a business together, and this kid screwed Ricky's kid out of the deal, so we can't buy from his father anymore.
Me: ...
My Father: Don't look at me like that. It's family.

THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE LONG WINDED TALE IS: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT SOMETIMES I RUN INTO PEOPLE WHO ARE RELATED TO ME AND DON'T RECOGNIZE THEM. "Family" is a really broad term for me, okay? JUDGE ME NOT.

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this story: Cut for ridiculous nonsense about my family take 37438942 )

DEAR EVERYONE: IF MY LIFE IS ACTUALLY A LARRY DAVID PRODUCED VERSION OF THE TRUMAN SHOW, PLEASE JUST TELL ME NOW. IT WOULD BE THE KIND THING TO DO, REALLY.

ETA: Okay, I have to go to dinner now, but somehow this turned into a giant thread about Arthur and Eames and Arthur's family, which you guys should TOTALLY ADD TO WHILE I'M GONE :D
gyzym: (O(wl)TP! God I love hermette.)
[livejournal.com profile] gyzym:
danny slides his hands up under the hem of steve's shirt
to rest against his stomach

[livejournal.com profile] hermette:
sdkfj;lskjdf'lskjdfkjshdflksjdf

[livejournal.com profile] gyzym
even as he's tucking his face into steve's neck
OH HEY
WE NEVER FINISHED
THAT BULLETPROOF KINK CONVERSATION EARLIER

[livejournal.com profile] hermette
......................
NOW? YOU'RE DOING IT NOW? WHILE DANNY HAS HIS HANDS UP STEVE'S SHIRT?

[livejournal.com profile] gyzym
FHDSJKFHS NO I AM JUST STOPPING TO SAY
FACES BURIED IN NECKS
ON THE LIST

[livejournal.com profile] hermette
OH GOD YES YES YES
ALSO, THE CURVE OF A SHOULDER
SAME PRINCIPAL
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT EXECUTION

[livejournal.com profile] gyzym
YES
YES
YES
JDFJSD I THOUGHT THAT SAID
SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ERECTION
AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT

[livejournal.com profile] hermette
;KLSJDFKJHSDF

[livejournal.com profile] gyzym
IS IT
AN ERECTION OF A DIFFERENT COLOR
gyzym: (I vote for porn)
Drive by post because I have to go do ALL OF THE THINGS, OH MY GOD, HOW DID TODAY GO FROM BEING QUIET TO BEING INSANE, but:



Right, okay, so. I recognize that I'm late to the Hawaii 5-0 party and this photo has probably been out there forever, I UNDERSTAND THIS, I DO. However, I did not figure anyone would suffer from seeing it again, because, I just.

Scotty Caan, what even is this? What even are you? How are you so ridiculously adorable all the time, INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW.

*dashes off again*
gyzym: (Danny (the face that goes with the tone))
I think I've mentioned a couple times that I can't access LJ from my office, except from my phone--it's a double edged sword, because on the one hand I WANT TO, but on the other hand it would seriously fuck with my productivity. BUT TODAY IT HAS BEEN TORTURE, because I have been waiting since I ran to grab an iced tea at 8:45 this morning to show you guys this. Long were the hours between me and my lunch break, let me tell you.

But now I am happily settled in at the nearest Starbucks, eating leftover Chinese food with a spoon I snatched from the office kitchen (why yes, my middle name is class, how did you know?), and I can finally show you the latest terror American gluttony hath wrought.

You guys, this is what I saw when I went to get my tea this morning:



Now, there are a lot of things I could say about this photo--about, for example, how it is unholy and wrong to malign the chicken wing like this, the chicken wing that never did anything but provide sweet, deep fried bliss after a couple of beers. About how Ruffles potato chips were supposed to be better than this; about how a girl turns her back on junk food for one measly year and THIS IS WHAT SHE GETS.

However, all of the things I could say would come back to the same point, that point being:

YOU GUYS, WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE
gyzym: (Danny oh my god you are adorbs)
WAIT, WAIT, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

Okay, so the other day was [livejournal.com profile] illian's birthday, and I said "Oh hey, happy birthday, I will write you an H50 ficlet!" And then, later, [livejournal.com profile] hermette and [livejournal.com profile] thegrrrl2002 and I had this brief conversation about how Steve and Danny would have like, atrociously failtastic date nights. And I thought to myself, "Oh, self, here is what you will do! You will write a ficlet about Steve and Danny going on terrible terrible dates!"

Nine...thousand...words later...

Happy birthday, [livejournal.com profile] illian. I hope you enjoy this, [livejournal.com profile] hermette, [livejournal.com profile] thegrrrl2002. The rest of you...should probably just give up on me now. I am clearly a lost cause.

Title: just like the barrel going over the falls (crying all the way down 'i never asked to be involved')
Pairing: Steve/Danny [Chin/Malia, Kono/Ben Bass]
Rating: R (boooordering on NC-17)
Wordcount: 8,720
Summary: Peer pressure convinces Danny and Steve (well, okay, just Steve) that date nights are a necessary part of a healthy relationship. They try them out. It...doesn't go well.

just like the barrel going over the falls )
gyzym: (Tag!)
For everyone who hasn't read the webcomic Lackadaisy (though you should, you really should, it's amazing), here is a conversation between me and Burrito to show how awesome he is:

Burrito: I've never seen so much perfect snow.
Me: I know, right?
Burrito: I mean, there's no footprints or anything. It's just...perfect.
Me: ....
Burrito: ....
Me: You wanna step in it?
Burrito: Yeah.

WE WROTE OUR NAMES IN FOOTPRINTS, GUYS. IT WAS AWESOME.

Okay, so, uh, for those of you who have read Lackadaisy--which is probably, like, three of you--this is a weird little Mordecai/Victor thing that I blame [livejournal.com profile] futureperfect for entirely. It is...pointless and REALLY WEIRD and I don't...yeah, I don't know. It just happened. I'm going back to work on the H-50 fic this interrupted now, but [livejournal.com profile] futureperfect, I hope you enjoy this, and [livejournal.com profile] butterflythread, I hope it helps make things suck less :D

Title: no one above me to stay my fierce hand
Pairing: Mordecai/Victor
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Together, there's no one they don't frighten.
Author's Notes: Right, so, Mordecai is a Jewish name, specifically from the story of Purim. I would link you to like, a proper rendition of the story, but you really don't need to know more than what the Wikipedia page about it tells you to understand this fic. Additionally, tikkun olum is a Hebrew phrase that, loosely, means "repairing the world," and tsores is Yiddish for misery, calamity, trouble, etc.

no one above me to stay my fierce hand )

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