a heartbreaking work of staggering blah blah blah

[gyzym]

First of all, MERRY/HAPPY, EVERYONE! Even for those of us for whom today is just a Saturday, albeit a Saturday when none of the stores are open :D

I was debating making a post about Chinese food and my family, but I have decided against it, largely because I had breakfast with my grandfather and my father and Burro&Burrito this morning, and it was literally SO MUCH LIKE AN EPISODE OF CURB THAT I HAD TO PINCH MYSELF. I can't even bear to relate it. There was arguing. And a few badly-landed penis jokes. And arguing. And a poor, hapless waiter who visibly regretted being employed at a Jewish deli. We tipped him heavily, but I doubt it eased the pain of having to listen to us very much.

Also also also someone wrote me an incredible Westing Game story for Yuletide!!! A Game of You, Theo/Turtle, and it's just excellent. EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ THE WESTING GAME SHOULD READ IT AT ONCE.

Now I am going to eat a piece of the amazing parve dobos tort the local Jewish bakery (ALSO OPEN CHRISTMAS DAY OH MY GOD BEST DISCOVERY OF MY LIFE) handily provided me this morning, and maybe take the plunge and watch the pilot of Hawaii 5-0, if I can find somewhere to...procure...it.

But first, a conversation about nothing at all that needs to be preserved for posterity anyway, even if it does make both me and Cathy sound more than a little bit like Pretentious Hipster Nerds....

gyzym
oh oh oh also
cathy i need you to know
that last night
i read
100 pages of the franzen novel

two_if_by_sea
al;kdfj;akslfdj;asfd
which novel?

gyzym
freedom, the new one

two_if_by_sea
a;fdslj;slfkd

gyzym
and it is dkfjsdf EXCELLENT REALLY EXCELLENT LIKE

two_if_by_sea
hahahahah
as;dflkjas;dflkajs;dlfkajs;dlfkjas;fdj
as;dflkjas;dfk
but he's SO MEAN
like
i like him but he isi just SO MEAN
TO EVERYONe
TO EVERYTHING
and i'm just like GOD WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN

gyzym
I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHY I LIKE HIM, BECAUSE HE'S JUST SO LIKE
VICIOUSLY FUCKING HONEST

two_if_by_sea
a;slkdfj;alskdfj;alksdjf
IT"S NOT HONESTY THOUGH
it's like
intellectual SNOBBERY

gyzym
well i mean, yes, obviously, but

two_if_by_sea
it's like even his emotional insights are only so deep because
he's
SO MEAN

gyzym
BUT

two_if_by_sea
(she says, as she secretly wants to write like him)

gyzym
like, i don't actually read franzen for anything other than the way he builds and tears down relationships between people
and i love the way he writes in general, because jdsfds that style, but like
i...largely ignore
his social commentary

two_if_by_sea
a;ljdf;lakjf;afkdj
HOW
HOW
IT"S LIKE
THE ENTIRETY OF EVERY NOVEL
it's like HERE ARE MY WITTY AND TOTALLY ASSHOLEISH THOUGHTS
ON HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE

gyzym
WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE, IT'S SO THICK YOU COULD CUT IT WITH A KNIFE BUT

two_if_by_sea
asf;dlkajsd;flj

gyzym
his character development
IS ACTUALLY FAR MORE COMPELLING, TO ME
and you have to keep in mind that i willingly read
both dave eggers and david foster wallace
and enjoy them

two_if_by_sea
I MEAN
I DO TOO
I LOVE THEm
BUT AT LEAST DAVID FOSTER WALLACE IS LIKE

gyzym
because there's a certain level of intellectual snobbery that i am so used to as to just shut out

two_if_by_sea
"i am a terrible human being
you are a terrible human being
human beings are terrible
here is how we are terrible to each other"
and dave eggers is like
"these are my thoughts on alienation and being white"

gyzym
OKAY BUT DAVE EGGERS IS DEEPLY
DEEPLY
SELF-OBSESSED

two_if_by_sea
a;slfdkja;sfd

gyzym
LIKE, DEEPLY

two_if_by_sea
I KNOW
I KNOW
but at least it is like
"here is me
i offer myself
to your tearing wit
and abuse"
franzen is like
HA
THIS IS YOU!!
I AM MOCKING YOU!!!!!

gyzym
JFDSFSKD BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE SO LONG AS HE DOESN'T SHUT UP
THAT'S WHAT IT IS

two_if_by_sea
a;sdkjf;asdjf;askd
hahahahahahahah

gyzym
I HAVE AN ASSHOLE CRUSH ON FRANZEN

two_if_by_sea
;Ljfd;akdslfja;lkdfja;skdlfjafsd
I SEE

gyzym
IT'S NOT THAT I THINK HE CAN CHANGE
IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF THING

two_if_by_sea
HE WILL ONLY BRING YOU PAIN

gyzym
IT'S THAT I FIND HIM SO ATTRACTIVE THAT I AM WILLING TO IGNORE

two_if_by_sea
HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!!

gyzym
WHAT IS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH
asjsfdsf all that mouthwateringly gorgeous prose

two_if_by_sea
HE DOESn'T DESERVE YOU!!

gyzym
I DON'T CARE
I DON'T CARE

two_if_by_sea
ONLY PAIN!!!

gyzym
BECAUSE AFTER THIS BOOK IS OVER HE WON'T CALL ME FOR SEVERAL YEARS

two_if_by_sea
PAIN AND MOCKERY

gyzym
AND I WILL GET OVER IT AGAIN

two_if_by_sea
a;sdflkjas;fdlkj
a;slfdkj;safljka;lsdfk god
so true

gyzym
JUST LIKE I DID AFTER THE CORRECTIONS

two_if_by_sea
he totally is the author who would like
metaphorically pick you up with a backhanded compliment
take you back to his apartment
fuck you
and then smoke a cigarette
and wait for you to leave
and not call you
ever.

gyzym
but! you would show up, mutated and twisted, as a shade of a character
in his next book

two_if_by_sea
a;ksldfj
in a novel
yes
and you would read it
and wince
and then you go back to the bar
and he's there again
and he just raises his eyebrow at you
and you do it
ALL OVER AGAIN

gyzym
YES EXACTLY
and sometimes
you go into the bar
and david sedaris is there

two_if_by_sea
ajlkfd;alskdfj;aksdja

gyzym
and you commiserate

two_if_by_sea
ohmygod

gyzym
on how much

two_if_by_sea
and you
yes
a;slfdkj

gyzym
you HATE PEOPLE

two_if_by_sea
you hate and love him
specifically

gyzym
well yes but you start broad

two_if_by_sea
probably david sedaris blew him in a basement at a house party

gyzym
people in general, and then specific people
that's how david sedaris is

two_if_by_sea
oh but david sedaris is like so witty about it
you're like luaghing
through your PAIN
your AWFUL UNYIELDING PAIN

gyzym
he's like, i hate everyone i hate everyone JUST KIDDING I HATE THAD JOHNSON FROM THE THIRD GRADE
and yes, that is so true
I LOVE HIM DO NOT GET ME WRONG

two_if_by_sea
then foer walks in drinking a wheat beer
and is like

gyzym
dfjdsfsdkf

two_if_by_sea
O HAI GUYS
and you and sedaris are like

gyzym
with his hat on

two_if_by_sea
go away

gyzym
all askew

two_if_by_sea
and foer goes off to sulk
and be earnest
somewhere else

gyzym
LOL
and foster-wallace's ghost
is lurking in corners
taking great pleasure
in quietly unsettling everyone who wanders by

two_if_by_sea
a;lksfdj;aslkdfj;alskfd;alskfdj
ohmygod
foer is like
"aren't you dead"
and foster wallace smiles at him maliciously
YES, he intones
and foer's like
kind of disturbed.
just staring at him

gyzym
staring THROUGH him cathy
HE IS JUST A LENSE AFTER ALL

two_if_by_sea
franzen snaps at foster-wallace and is like
"leave him alone"
and foster wallace is like NO U

gyzym
LMFAO

two_if_by_sea
their friendship is so weird
i mean like
i get it

gyzym
GHOSTLY-SLAP FIGHT ENSUES

two_if_by_sea
but it's still weird to me

gyzym
but all those guys, i mean, to a certain degree i think it's all kind of, yes hello i AM a genius and i might be willing to acknowledge that you are not dumb, let us muse on the universe together
it's like a coffee house in like the 1400s

two_if_by_sea
ajfd;lakjfd
it totally
totally
is
except witih like varying degrees of earnestness
and smarminess

gyzym
THERE WAS SMARMINESS IN THE 1400s TOO

two_if_by_sea
well but
a different kind of smarminess

gyzym
YOU THINK THE RAPE OF THE LOCK AND ITS CREATION WAS FREE OF SMARM?

two_if_by_sea
then it was like
WE ARE SMARMY BECAUSE WE ARE THE ~CHOSEN~ ~ARTIESTES~
and now it is like
pretending to be self-deprecating
but actually secretly
really judging you
a;dlfj;sfdj "Never use the word "then" as a conjunction – we have "and" for this purpose. Substituting "then" is the lazy or tone-deaf writer's non-solution to the problem of too many "ands" on the page.“
THANKS FRANZEN
THANKS

gyzym
BBFDBGFDFBDF

two_if_by_sea
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IS NUMBER THREE
ON YOUR LIST
OF SERIOUS TIPS
FOR WRITERS

gyzym
GOD I DO
I DO
HAVE
AN ASSHOLE CRUSH ON HIM
I AM EVEN NOW THINKING AWWW, FRANZEN, YOU ADORABLE LITTLE SHIT