gyzym | Entries tagged with adventures of burro&burrito

Okay, know it's been awhile since I did a post about the lunatics to whom I am related, but this could not be held back. So! This weekend Burro was in town, and at one point we were hanging out and he noticed that I was knitting something.

Burro: Hey, whatcha making?
Me: A laptop case.
Burro: Why do you need a laptop case?
Me: Because mine's been missing for like six months and I figured it was time to bite the bullet, but I didn't want to buy another one, because they're expensive.
Burro: Huh. I can't imagine needing another laptop case; I have two.
Me: You...have two.
Burro: Yeah, the second one just sort of showed up one...oh.
Me: YOU ASSHOLE, YOU STOLE MY LAPTOP CASE.

He admitted that that is probably what happened, and agreed to bring it when he comes back into town THIS weekend for Mother's Day. Today, he sends me a photo of both laptop cases sitting on his coffee table, and we have the following conversation via text:

Burro: Haha I have 2 computer cases! I'm holding the one for ransom so if you're gonna want it back I expect something for it
Me: BITE ME
Burro: Guess someone's not gonna get a computer case back with that snarky of language
Me: You a thief, yo, I don't have to listen to you
Burro: I prefer the term expert borrower yo
Me: Well, I don't negotiate with expert borrowers, I'm just saying
Burro: Well then...NO COMPUTER CASE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: I am laughing so hard I am choking rn, just fyi
Burro: That's unfortunate for you but if you think that's gonna elict me to give you back the computer case because I feel sorry for ya then you're sadly mistaken...don't hate me cuz you ain't me

ON THE ONE HAND, BEST EVER. ON THE OTHER HAND I WANT MY LAPTOP CASE BACK D:

Saturday brunch did not happen this weekend due to [various and assorted nonsense], so we did pizza dinner tonight instead. Why I always let myself believe they'll be less ridiculous later in the day, I just don't know.

Me: Ugh, this tomato sauce is killing me, I bit the inside of my cheek this morning.
My Mother: DON'T LOOK AT IT.
Me: What?
My Mother: The place you bit, don't look at it, or if you do look at it, don't be surprised if--
Me: Why would I look at it?
My Father: Who looks at that kind of thing? Do you look at it when you bite the inside of your mouth?
My Mother: Well, yeah, I mean, I can feel it, I can't help myself.
My Father: Never look inside your mouth. What are you, crazy?
Me: Okay, well, sometimes I think there's probably a good reason to--
My Father: No, no there's not, there is never a good reason to look inside your own mouth. It's like sushi--just go with it, do not look at what's inside. Unless you're you, I guess, because you're a freak and you like octopus--
Me: Octopus is delicious!
My Father: There are suckers on it.
My Mother: She can eat octopus if she wants.
My Father: We can't go by you, you look inside your own mouth! Only dentists should go there.
Me: Your intensity about this is kind of freaking me out, just so you know.
My Father: You should listen to your father, I know what I'm talking about, and--
Burrito: *BURP*
My Father: Don't burp at the dinner table, you know better than that.
Burrito: Seriously? You guys are talking about the insides of your mouths.
My Father: ....
Me: ....
My Mother: He's kind of got us there, guys.

And then, of course, there was the continuation of the Angry Bird madness after Burrito left the table:

My Mother: So, should I download it?
Me, referring to the conversation she interrupted: ...what, turkey tacos? How would you--
My Father: No, she means the birds.
Me: Oh my god, are we still on Angry Birds?
My Mother: It's all he's been talking about all day.
My Father: I got to the second part! In only a couple of days, that's good, right?
Me: I don't know, I stopped play it when I realized how much of my time it was eating.
My Father: The yellow ones explode when you hit them!
Me: You recognize that you sound like a four year old right now.
My Father: Fuck you, it took me like an hour to figure that out.
My Mother: So, should I download it?
My Father: YES
Me: NO
My Father: DON'T LISTEN TO HER IT'S AWESOME
Me: IT'S TOO LATE FOR HIM, SAVE YOURSELF
Burrito, from the other room: YOU GUYS, STOP YELLING, I'M TRYING TO WATCH A SHOW.

In conclusion, the 11 year old is the only mature adult out of all of us, and it's not even much of a surprise. The end!

Life lessons for Burrito at weekly family brunch this morning (Burro is leaving town again tomorrow, we are having a lot of Together Time to prepare, god help me):

1.
Burrito: Any friend of mine is my best friend.
Burro: That's not really how it works, little dude.
My Father: That's like saying "Any dog I see is my dog!"
Me: No, it's--okay, well, it's possible to have more than one best friend--
Burro: Or 'bro,' I call them my bros--
Me: But if all your friends were your best friends, the words wouldn't mean anything, you know?
My Father: All trees eat beans! See? Nonsense.
Me: ...Don't really think you're clearing it up for him there, Dad.

2.
My Father: *Asshole comment I've forgotten*
My Mother: Wow, persnippity much?
Burrito: Don't call Dad snippity!
Burro: Ahahaha, no, man, persnippity.
My Father: Which I absolutely am.
Me: There's no denying it.
Burrito: Hmm, okay. What does persnippity mean?
My Mother: Well--
Burro: How do you--
Me: It's sort of like--
My Father: Dickish.
Everyone: !!!!!
My Father: What? He asked!

THESE PEOPLE, WHAT EVEN.

In other news, I am off to a movie this afternoon, but round two of the Inspiration Meme has ALREADY EXCEEDED MY WILDEST EXPECTATIONS, OH MY GOD. You guys gotta go check it out, and post post post those things you want to add. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH AWESOME ♥ ♥ ♥!!!

This is a drive-by post; I will be back later to answer comments (oh my god I love you guys have I mentioned that recently) and probably to make a fjdsfjdshf post about last night's ep.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME:

Me: Do you remember the Gator Golf commercial from when we were kids?
Burro: What the fuck is Gator Golf?
Me: *Sings the Gator Golf jingle*
Waiters in the Restaurant: *Side-eye me so hard I'm surprised nobody hurt themselves*
Burro: Nope, not ringing a bell.
Me: Seriously? This song's been stuck in my head for 17 years and you've got nothing?
Burro: Hahahahaha 17 years, your life blows.
Me: You're not helping.
Burro: You're beyond help.

THE GATOR GOLF COMMERCIAL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:

Guys. I ask you. I plead with you. Leave the scraps of terrible 90s commercials you remember in the comments. Link me to YouTube vids, embed shit, tell me how to access the mp3 files. THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS: I CANNOT TORTURE BURRO BY MYSELF, AND HE NEEDS TO BE TORTURED. For the sake of nostalgia. For the sake of my pride. For the sake of long-suffering older sisters everywhere.

ETA from the car on our way to spring Burrito from school:

Burro: Dude, I'm such a fucking bum right now, this hoodie isn't even clean.
Me: Yeah, man. My sweatshirt's clean, but my shoes totally don't match right now.
Burro: YOUR SHOES DON'T MATCH?!
Me: Yeah, what's the--oh my god, you asshole, I meant they don't match my outfit, they match EACH OTHER, what is wrong with you?
Burro: Don't look at me like that. You think I forgot how you used to dress in high school?

IF I DIDN'T LOVE HIM SO MUCH I'D HATE HIM, YOU GUYS. He must paaaaaaay.

Burro and my father on the topic of going down to the Q and watching March Madness basketball live and in person for twelve solid hours:

My Father: Too much basketball. Tooooo muchhhhh basketballllll.
Burro: All of my senses are tingling with basketball.
My Father: Touch, sight, taste--
Burro: Smell. I can smell the basketball.
My Father: All the other senses.
Me: You named them all except for hearing, guys.
Burro: Look, I have sixth and seventh senses I don't even know about, okay, and all of them are overwhelmed by basketball. My basketball sense had too much basketball.
My Father: I feel like I'm never going to say anything but basketball ever again.
Me: You seriously felt it necessary to spend your drive home telling me this? Right now? We're having breakfast together in like eight hours.
Burro: That is less time than we spent with the basketball. That's four hours less. Than basketball time.
Me: I told you guys it was crazy to spend the whole day down there.
My Father: Nobody knows the trouble we've seen.
Burro: Nobody knows the chicken wings we've eaten.
My Father: He meant our sorrow. Our chicken wing sorrow. Even the chicken wings tasted like basketball, oh god.
Burro: Hey, turn the radio up, I want to check the score on the Georgetown game.

ldfhsdjkfhsd;lflkfdfajslfjsdfj

1. LAST NIGHT THERE WAS A DUDE NAMED EAMES ON WHITE COLLAR. REALITY IS STILL A LITTLE HARD TO SORT OUT.

2. There will be much, much Steve/Danny fic tonight, I am finishing it up right now, IT IS COMING, YOU GUYS, IT IS COMING.

3. Apparently a member of my family signed me up for JDate? Which is deeply hilarious on a lot of levels, but especially when you consider that I spent today flirting with a guy who had, you know, visibly just celebrated Ash Wednesday. My money is on my aunt being the culprit, but only time will tell. I WILL SOLVE THIS MYSTERY IF IT KILLS ME.

4. Speaking of things that kill me,

miznarrator made A FIFTY FUCKING SONG MIX OF AMAZING WOMEN ROCKING IT THE FUCK OUT. Seriously, just amazing, you guys, SO MUCH BRILLIANT MUSIC, check it out post-haste.

5. And finally, on the topic of awesome women who rock, a conversation that proves my little brother the rabid Beatles fan is the coolest eleven year old in the history of eleven year olds:

The Beatles' song "Get Back": *plays on the radio*
Burrito: Wasn't this song about George and Paul and Ringo being mad at Yoko Ono? That's why John's not singing in it, right?
Me: That's the story, anyway. It can be hard to know what's true with that kind of thing.
Burrito: But everyone blamed her for breaking up the Beatles, right?
Me: A lot of people did that, yeah.
Burrito: But she didn't...she didn't really do anything to them, did she? She just fell in love with John and he fell in love with her, and then people started hating her? And singing angry songs at her and stuff. I think that would suck.
Me: I think it probably did suck, little dude. I think it probably still sucks. But Yoko's a pretty awesome lady--she's a musician too, did you know that? And she does all kinds of stuff for charity, and even though she had some awful things happen to her--
Burrito: Like John dying, right?
Me: Yeah, like John dying. But you know, even though that happened, and even though there are still people that hate her, she donates time and money to help people, and to speak up for people who can't speak for themselves. I think that's pretty cool, you know?
Burrito: ...can we turn this song off? I don't really want to listen to it anymore.
Me: Yup.
Burrito: I think hating Yoko Ono for something she didn't do is really stupid.
Me: I think you're the smartest eleven year old ever.
Burrito: Well, I try.

Or, The Family von Jizz Sounds Off On:

Making Crab Cakes!

Me: It's kind of like making latkes.
My Mother: It's exactly like making latkes!
My Father: Except for how it's shellfish.
Me: ...
My Mother: ...
Me: We're the worst Jews ever, aren't we.
Burrito: *ignores us all as he eats pepperoni*

Fraternity Shenanigans/Culinary Experiments!

Burro: I ate cake with hot sauce on it last night.
Me: What? You did what? Oh my god, why?
Burro: Well, we were having chicken for dinner, and there was hot sauce on the table, and I said I'd eat hot sauce on pretty much anything--
Me: And then, what, you decided to prove your point?
Burro: Could you let me tell a story?
Me: You lead with "I ate hot sauce on cake last night," and you expect me to be calm about this?
Burro: You know, I'd kind of let myself forget how you are about food.
Me: You wound me, but fine, continue.
Burro: As I was saying, one of my bros was like, "Would you eat it on ice cream?" and I was like, "Prooobably not," and then someone else was like, "Would you eat it on cake?" and I was like, "Yeah, I'd eat it on cake," and then someone was like, "I have cake," so.
Me: So you ate it?
Burro: I said I would! So yeah, I totally did. I think they're gonna put it on Youtube. It wasn't actually that bad.
Me: Seriously.
Burro: Not that bad!
Me: There is something wrong with you.
Burro: Maybe, but no one can say I'm not a man of my word.

The Shitstorm of Anti-Semitism in the News This Week!

My Father: For fuck's sake, is Mel Gibson out recruiting these assholes now?

This has been today's episode of Fuck I Love These Crazy Assholes. Tune in next week for further nonsense!

First of all, MERRY/HAPPY, EVERYONE! Even for those of us for whom today is just a Saturday, albeit a Saturday when none of the stores are open :D

I was debating making a post about Chinese food and my family, but I have decided against it, largely because I had breakfast with my grandfather and my father and Burro&Burrito this morning, and it was literally SO MUCH LIKE AN EPISODE OF CURB THAT I HAD TO PINCH MYSELF. I can't even bear to relate it. There was arguing. And a few badly-landed penis jokes. And arguing. And a poor, hapless waiter who visibly regretted being employed at a Jewish deli. We tipped him heavily, but I doubt it eased the pain of having to listen to us very much.

Also also also someone wrote me an incredible Westing Game story for Yuletide!!! A Game of You, Theo/Turtle, and it's just excellent. EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ THE WESTING GAME SHOULD READ IT AT ONCE.

Now I am going to eat a piece of the amazing parve dobos tort the local Jewish bakery (ALSO OPEN CHRISTMAS DAY OH MY GOD BEST DISCOVERY OF MY LIFE) handily provided me this morning, and maybe take the plunge and watch the pilot of Hawaii 5-0, if I can find somewhere to...procure...it.

But first, a conversation about nothing at all that needs to be preserved for posterity anyway, even if it does make both me and Cathy sound more than a little bit like Pretentious Hipster Nerds....

( Jonathan Frazen, Jonathan Safran Foer, and David Sedaris walk into a bar )

HELLO HELLO INTERWEBS.

I apologize for being a little MIA, shit has been busy etc etc holiday parties etc etc limited time etc etc OMG YULETIDE all of things etc etc etc etc. I have a lot of things to say! But, first and foremost, I would like to let everyone know that (drumroll please):

I HAVE NAMED MY BROTHERS.

Yes, it's true, everyone clap, I know you are as thrilled as I am about this. AND EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT, I am deeply relieved not to have to keep typing out "the nineteen year old" and "the eleven year old" every six seconds. And I guess I should probably...tell you...the names. So, uh, basically what happened is

two_if_by_sea suggested I call one of them Donkey Punch because she's hilarious and horrifying and stuff, and then that mutated into:

Burro Punch/Burro: My 19-year-old frat boy brother
Burrito Punch/Burrito: My 11-year-old sixth grade brother

You know, because burro means...donkey and "ito" is an...affectionate diminutive...okay anyway HURRAY FOR CATHY! I will probably mostly be calling them Burro and Burrito, TBH :D BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE NAMED NOW.

Speaking of my brothers, ( the other night Burro and I got high and he unwittingly outlined a hilarious Inception fic with me. )

So, you know, that was the best ten minutes of my life.

And now, because it's been ages since I posted fic and I feel legit bad about that (although I am working on things I swear I am) here is a WIP dump!

( 1200 words of unfinished top!Arthur PWP )

( 2,000 words of...um, drunk blowjob porn )

( That coffeeshop AU drabble that I posted on Nellie's AU thinger awhile back )

( And a coffeeshop AU drabble never before seen by the internet )

Will these coffeeshop scenes make it into the coffeeshop sequel? Er, maybe. Which brings up the question: is there going to be a coffeeshop sequel? Er...probably. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHEN, GUYS, IT MIGHT BE MONTHS FROM NOW, DON'T HOLD ME TO ANYTHING, OKAY?

Also I'm working on this other thing. I'll tell you guys about it soon, when it's done. For now, I have a Yuletide to write (oh god) and nails to paint and, hopefully, coffee to drink. HAPPY SATURDAY, GUYS :D