actual conversation at the deli with my family this morning:

[gyzym]

Me: I had this incredibly bizarre dream last night where I was dating Andy Samberg's doppelganger--
My grandmother: Samberg, there's a nice Jewish name. You should ask this boy out! Better him then the goyim you're always bringing around.
Me: ...Andy Samberg is an actor on Saturday Night Live, Grandma.
My mother: She's kind of got a point though--no, I mean, date whoever you want, but Andy Samberg's got that New York Jew look, maybe you're attracted to that now! That'd be so nice for everyone.
My father: Says the convert.
Everyone: Hey!
My father: What? Oh, come on, don't look at me like that, I married her, I don't mean it as a bad thing. I'm just saying that you could meet a nice boy and turn him Jewish, that's all I meant.
Me: Oh my god, you guys, I'm not even dating anyone--what the hell is a "New York Jew look," Mom, do you have any idea how that--and that isn't even the weird part of the dream, how did this become--
My grandmother: We just want you to be happy, is that so wrong?
My grandfather: And a Jewish boy would make you happy.
My father: Okay, okay, let's not pile on. What was the weird part of the dream?
Me: Okay, so, this guy--who just looked like Andy Samberg, he wasn't actually Andy Samberg, and we were mostly "dating" by playing board games in his apartment--
My mother: What board games?
My father: How is that relevant?
Burrito: You didn't want to play a board game with me when you were babysitting last week!
Me: Little dude, Mario Party is not a board game, it's a video game, you'd been playing video games all day, I took you to a movie--
Burrito: I'm just saying.
My mother: Okay, sorry I asked, continue.
Me: Okay, no, so the weird part was that he was living in this college dorm, right, and he had this roommate he kept talking about who was never around, and then when I met him it was--
My grandfather: Rudy Giuliani?
Me: No--wait, Papa, why would it be--
My grandfather: Well, he shows up in my dreams a lot.
My father: Doing what?
My grandfather: Running for President, mostly.
My father: You have dreams about Rudy Giuliani running for President? He's a Republican! Don't tell me you're thinking about voting Republican again--
My grandfather: It's not an election year, I can think about voting for whoever I want--
My mother: Oh my god, okay, not going there. Who was Andy Samberg's roommate?
Me: Morgan Freeman.
My mother: No kidding?
Me: Yeah, he kicked my ass at Boggle like six times and then I woke up. This really didn't have to be that long of a story, you guys.
My father: You know what I think?
Me: I'm not sure I want to.
My father: I think--well, you know I think of Morgan Freeman as God--
Me: How many times do I have to tell you that you can't base a theological viewpoint on the movie Bruce Almighty--
My father: So I think that dream was God telling you to settle down with a nice Jewish boy.
My grandfather: I agree.
My grandmother: It's a sign.
My mother: Date whoever you want, sweetie. It would just be nice if he was Jewish, that's all we're saying.
My father: And try to make sure he likes sports this time. I never know what to talk to the artsy ones about.
Me: ....
Burrito: You gonna eat your hash browns?

HOW ARE THEY REAL, YOU GUYS, HOW IS THIS MY LIFE

Comments

[onthecount.livejournal.com]

I AM DYING, OH MY GOD as;dlkfd

BUT SERIOUSLY I agree with your dad about Morgan Freeman.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

DJSGHJDSFG I AM SERIOUSLY LIKE, I ALMOST DIDN'T WANT TO POST THIS BECAUSE WE ARE SUCH TERRIBLE STEREOTYPES OF OURSELVES

fsjdkfhsdjfkh my father and I have this argument regularly because he like, brings up the fact that Morgan Freeman is totally god AT TEMPLE ON THE HIGH HOLY DAYS, and I am like OH MAN I DO NOT EVEN REALLY BELIEVE IN THE RELIGIOUS SIDE OF JUDAISM BUT THIS FEELS LIKE A CONVERSATION WE SHOULD MAYBE BE HAVING ELSEWHERE

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

Making me laugh at this point is cruel. JSYK.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I AM VERY SORRY, BB, I JUST NEEDED TO MAKE SURE TO SET THIS DOWN WHILE IT WAS STILL FRESH IN MY MIND SO THAT LATER, WHEN I WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THEM, I'LL HAVE THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE WRITTEN OUT AS IT HAPPENED DFHSDJKFHS

[snottygrrl.livejournal.com]

okay, you don't know me at all, but i'm a friend of bina's and i was looking at her friends page because i'm trying to find inception icons and i thought she might belong to some communities that could point me in the right direction because search lj got me nowhere (tmi, i know), and this was the first post on her page and it totally, totally made me entire weekend.

just sayin.

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

ALRIGHT, FINE. THAT IS FAIR ENOUGH. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO READ STUFF ABOUT YOUR FAMILY WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

jfdshfsdj I APOLOGIZE FOR BOMBARDING YOU WITH THIS NONSENSE BY ACCIDENT dsjfsdf

For the sake of context: I regularly post about my, er, ridiculously crazy big Jewish family, because they are ridiculous and crazy and sometimes I need to write about them to remind myself that they're real people. Also, Burrito is the nickname I use on this journal for my 11 year old brother (my other brother is Burro, who missed this little exchange because he went to college in another city and ABANDONED ME WITH THESE CRAZY PEOPLE).

But, um, glad to have entertained? I'd like to say I'm not normally this nuts, but I am. I really am. /o\

[chaoticallyclev.livejournal.com]

...I feel a little bit bad laughing so hard at this, (because, seriously, anytime I go to tell a story, just one as simple as "oh, mom I saw that girl you used to work with at school today. She says 'hi'." It turns into a conversation as exhasperating as this one appears to be. And it's--I used to believe that I needed anger management or something, because these conversations would make me SO FURIOUS, but then I realized that my family is just nuts and lives to annoy the hell out of everyone. so. there's that.)
but crazy families are...fun? if nothing else. VERY LITTLE BOREDOM. :D?

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

Lmfao, no, laugh away, they are hilarious. AGGRAVATING BUT HILARIOUS, I love them so much for all I want to like, put my face down in my bagel and weep until they shut up sometimes dfdsjfksdsf

AND NO, VERY LITTLE BOREDOM. I AM NEVER BORED. Actually my grandmother's favorite non-Yiddish saying is "If you're bored, you're boring" :D :D :D

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

THEY CAN'T HELP BEING FABULOUS/RIDICULOUS/INSANE

[angelgazing.livejournal.com]

I KNOW. I KNOW YOU CAN'T, BB. *hearts;

[dremiel.livejournal.com]

::having trouble breathing::

OH GOD! I LOVE YOUR FAMILY!

Also: Burrito is very wise!

[illian.livejournal.com]

. . . I'm sure I'll have some kind of response once I stop laughing like a hyena.

You poor darling.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I love them too, LUNATICS THOUGH THEY ARE.

And Burrito is the wisest 11 year old of them all :D :D :D

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM, gjdsfhdsf although to be fair I totally set myself up for this because I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING

[gelbwax.livejournal.com]

I showed this to my dad and this conversation followed:
Dad: You should settle down with a nice Jewish boy.
Me: ...
Dad: Or a Chinese girl, I know they're more your type.
Me: ...?

I showed this to my mom and she said: "I hope her grandpa doesn't vote for Rudy Giuliani, he's a jerk."

I'M NOT SURE THEY TOOK AWAY THE CORRECT MESSAGE BUT WHATEVER, they think you're funny too.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

kdsfjsfhjsd oh my god I AM GLAD I COULD AMUSE YOUR PARENTS BUT PLEASE NEVER LET THEM GOOGLE ME, the amount of porn in this journal dfhsdjkfhkds

ALSO, TODAY'S MESSAGE IS APPARENTLY "EVERYONE SHOULD SETTLE DOWN WITH A NICE JEWISH BOY" WHAT EVEN

[vickita.livejournal.com]

Now I'm craving hash browns.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

SO AM I, Burrito only asked as a cursory gesture before TAKING THEM AND EATING THEM ALL fdjshfjsdf

[illian.livejournal.com]

"Dating" is kind of magic word around families. Just the opposite of the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious kind of magic word.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

REST ASSURED I WILL NEVER SPEAK IT ANYWHERE NEAR THEM AGAIN

[zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com]

You seriously have the most amazing family I have ever heard of, oh my god. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but oh my god, amazing. XDDDDD

[luthien82]

*lol* This pretty much made my day :D

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

They are just...I don't even know. SOME DAYS I'M PRETTY SURE THAT MY LIFE IS ACTUALLY A LARRY DAVID VERSION OF THE TRUMAN SHOW.

Also your icon OH MY FUCKING GOD, also I am sick of finding you awesome all over the everywhere and not having you friended, THAT WAS AN OVERSIGHT *friends you*

[elainasaunt.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh so hard I now have a stomach ache and think I will have to go eat something rich and sweet to make it stop. So it's, you know, your fault if I gain weight.