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gyzymSo, I think I've mentioned before that I have a big black labradoodle named Jerry Garcia. If you did not know that....now you do? In any case, he is the best dog in the history of dogs and I love him more than is strictly reasonably, make no mistake. The things I would do for that animal are staggering; he is the sweetest ever and so adorable and crazy, which is why we get on so well. My family being what they are, if he hadn't been crazy, I would never have known what to do with him.
But. But.
Okay, the thing is, the writer's block question on LJ's main page tonight is "If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?" I would have done the thing where I embed it or whatever, but I am Bad At The Internet, and I feel no need to develop the skill of doing this, since I've never wanted to answer one before and probably never will again. I didn't even intend to answer this one, actually, except that I saw it right before I went to take him out, and for whatever reason I turned it over in my mind while we were outside.
Right, I thought to myself, Jerry's likes and dislikes. I immediately discounted the basics, as to my knowledge there is no job in the real world that consists of eating, sleeping, and making comforting whuffing noises every couple of minutes; if I am wrong about that, please inform me and pass the application along. So I started going through the other things Jerry likes to do, and I came to a shocking conclusion.
Jerry likes to overreact. He likes to assume that things which are not threats--passersby, the plow, his own reflection--are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. He likes to find things he knows better than to chew on and chew on them anyway; he likes to bark and bark and bark and bark until oh my god, Jer, I get it, for fuck's sake, Jesus Christ. He likes to arbitrarily decide that people he doesn't know--and sometimes people he does know--are in fact TERRIBLE KILLERS WAITING TO MURDER US IN THE NIGHT. The things I say to him most often are (and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angelgazing, who has sat through many a phone conversation with me while I was taking him out, can attest to this) "Jerry, you are a lunatic," and "Oh my god, Jer, seriously, calm down, calm down, what is wrong with you?" He has been known, on occasion, to eat his own shit.
Guys. You guys. I think if my dog was a person, he would be Glenn Beck.
I'm going to try to sleep now, but this knowledge weighs on me. He's looking at me like he knows what's been said here, Livejournal. He's looking at me like he knows.
But. But.
Okay, the thing is, the writer's block question on LJ's main page tonight is "If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?" I would have done the thing where I embed it or whatever, but I am Bad At The Internet, and I feel no need to develop the skill of doing this, since I've never wanted to answer one before and probably never will again. I didn't even intend to answer this one, actually, except that I saw it right before I went to take him out, and for whatever reason I turned it over in my mind while we were outside.
Right, I thought to myself, Jerry's likes and dislikes. I immediately discounted the basics, as to my knowledge there is no job in the real world that consists of eating, sleeping, and making comforting whuffing noises every couple of minutes; if I am wrong about that, please inform me and pass the application along. So I started going through the other things Jerry likes to do, and I came to a shocking conclusion.
Jerry likes to overreact. He likes to assume that things which are not threats--passersby, the plow, his own reflection--are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. He likes to find things he knows better than to chew on and chew on them anyway; he likes to bark and bark and bark and bark until oh my god, Jer, I get it, for fuck's sake, Jesus Christ. He likes to arbitrarily decide that people he doesn't know--and sometimes people he does know--are in fact TERRIBLE KILLERS WAITING TO MURDER US IN THE NIGHT. The things I say to him most often are (and
angelgazing, who has sat through many a phone conversation with me while I was taking him out, can attest to this) "Jerry, you are a lunatic," and "Oh my god, Jer, seriously, calm down, calm down, what is wrong with you?" He has been known, on occasion, to eat his own shit. Guys. You guys. I think if my dog was a person, he would be Glenn Beck.
I'm going to try to sleep now, but this knowledge weighs on me. He's looking at me like he knows what's been said here, Livejournal. He's looking at me like he knows.
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(because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:12 am (UTC)*points to picture of Jerry*
This Dog. Now - I know what you're all thinking - you're thinking: "What is up with that, Colbert? That's a dog!" and "Whatever happened to bears?" and "Why won't he just let me run my fingers through his silvery hair..."
*pause* *embarrassed clearing of throat*
But you should stop thinking those things! All of them! Especially the last one. . You should be thinking about this Dog.
Now, Nation, this Dog may look harmless - all sweet and fluffy - but don't be fooled! This dog is a madman! A threat to everything we, the Colbert Nation, hold dear - from our beloved Americone Dream ice cream right down to certain silver haired people who won't return our calls just because we made fun of them, in a nice way, on our show...
*pause* *embarrassed cough*
Back to the dog - a dog that overreacts. A dog that assumes that things which are not threats are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. This dog, this adorable and handsome dog, is trying to take Glenn Beck's place in our hearts.
Tell me what isn't threatening about that!
And, anyway, this dog's name is Jerry Gracia. What if he's the reincarnation of the real Jerry Garcia? What if he's come back to continue his terrifying sublimimal messages? What if - what, what is it Chuck?
*pause*
Oh. That was just me? I...I stand by what I say! This dog is the number one threat to America!
*pause* *phone hand*
(IDEK. I've never been best at "Stephen" and I may have lost track somewhere there. Still. There it is.)
Re: (because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:13 am (UTC)Re: (because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:19 am (UTC)I spent much of 2009 being a hardcore Fakenewser. I simply couldn't resist!
<3