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gyzymSo, I think I've mentioned before that I have a big black labradoodle named Jerry Garcia. If you did not know that....now you do? In any case, he is the best dog in the history of dogs and I love him more than is strictly reasonably, make no mistake. The things I would do for that animal are staggering; he is the sweetest ever and so adorable and crazy, which is why we get on so well. My family being what they are, if he hadn't been crazy, I would never have known what to do with him.
But. But.
Okay, the thing is, the writer's block question on LJ's main page tonight is "If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?" I would have done the thing where I embed it or whatever, but I am Bad At The Internet, and I feel no need to develop the skill of doing this, since I've never wanted to answer one before and probably never will again. I didn't even intend to answer this one, actually, except that I saw it right before I went to take him out, and for whatever reason I turned it over in my mind while we were outside.
Right, I thought to myself, Jerry's likes and dislikes. I immediately discounted the basics, as to my knowledge there is no job in the real world that consists of eating, sleeping, and making comforting whuffing noises every couple of minutes; if I am wrong about that, please inform me and pass the application along. So I started going through the other things Jerry likes to do, and I came to a shocking conclusion.
Jerry likes to overreact. He likes to assume that things which are not threats--passersby, the plow, his own reflection--are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. He likes to find things he knows better than to chew on and chew on them anyway; he likes to bark and bark and bark and bark until oh my god, Jer, I get it, for fuck's sake, Jesus Christ. He likes to arbitrarily decide that people he doesn't know--and sometimes people he does know--are in fact TERRIBLE KILLERS WAITING TO MURDER US IN THE NIGHT. The things I say to him most often are (and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
angelgazing, who has sat through many a phone conversation with me while I was taking him out, can attest to this) "Jerry, you are a lunatic," and "Oh my god, Jer, seriously, calm down, calm down, what is wrong with you?" He has been known, on occasion, to eat his own shit.
Guys. You guys. I think if my dog was a person, he would be Glenn Beck.
I'm going to try to sleep now, but this knowledge weighs on me. He's looking at me like he knows what's been said here, Livejournal. He's looking at me like he knows.
But. But.
Okay, the thing is, the writer's block question on LJ's main page tonight is "If your pet were a person, what occupation would they choose?" I would have done the thing where I embed it or whatever, but I am Bad At The Internet, and I feel no need to develop the skill of doing this, since I've never wanted to answer one before and probably never will again. I didn't even intend to answer this one, actually, except that I saw it right before I went to take him out, and for whatever reason I turned it over in my mind while we were outside.
Right, I thought to myself, Jerry's likes and dislikes. I immediately discounted the basics, as to my knowledge there is no job in the real world that consists of eating, sleeping, and making comforting whuffing noises every couple of minutes; if I am wrong about that, please inform me and pass the application along. So I started going through the other things Jerry likes to do, and I came to a shocking conclusion.
Jerry likes to overreact. He likes to assume that things which are not threats--passersby, the plow, his own reflection--are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. He likes to find things he knows better than to chew on and chew on them anyway; he likes to bark and bark and bark and bark until oh my god, Jer, I get it, for fuck's sake, Jesus Christ. He likes to arbitrarily decide that people he doesn't know--and sometimes people he does know--are in fact TERRIBLE KILLERS WAITING TO MURDER US IN THE NIGHT. The things I say to him most often are (and
angelgazing, who has sat through many a phone conversation with me while I was taking him out, can attest to this) "Jerry, you are a lunatic," and "Oh my god, Jer, seriously, calm down, calm down, what is wrong with you?" He has been known, on occasion, to eat his own shit. Guys. You guys. I think if my dog was a person, he would be Glenn Beck.
I'm going to try to sleep now, but this knowledge weighs on me. He's looking at me like he knows what's been said here, Livejournal. He's looking at me like he knows.
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no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 07:18 am (UTC)...this just made me realize that it's been a really long time since I've had to watch his show and I am immensely grateful for that. (My house = all the news / commentary shows, all the time. from all the networks. This would probably be why I got rid of the tv in my room, cancelled my suscription to online newspapers, and now rely on twitter's trending topics and yahoo's front page for news.)
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Date: 2011-03-14 07:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 07:41 am (UTC)I am beginning to feel like way too much of my brain actually knows things about a person I do not care about. If I know this much about Sean Hannity, I am officially quitting my brain.
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Date: 2011-03-14 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 09:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 09:23 am (UTC)...Do you get to count as a newscaster if you just kind of comment on things and then use pies as examples of social security except you keep sticking aarmy men in the pie and no one understands how we got from pie to army men? And then you have random shows that are like if oprah was...i don't even know. but it feels like he was attempting to be oprah. I am way too tired to make this make sense.
To be fair, I don't think any political group wants him.
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Date: 2011-03-14 12:53 pm (UTC)I'm not a...fan of his, but I read a lot of political books and watch a lot of the shows to try to formulate an educated opinion on what's going on in our country.
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Date: 2011-03-14 05:18 pm (UTC)Good for you. I used to do that more back in high school and before college and work ate my life. Continually trying to educate myself with a lot of shows that stress me out and upset me just-- did not go over well, then. I still look into things when I have a second, but I moved away from the tv and the constant barrage of news updates. Going to have to get back into it, though, with the elections starting up again.
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Date: 2011-03-14 07:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 07:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 07:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 08:44 am (UTC)Also, awww. So I tried the tags from this post to find out if you'd probably ever posted a picture of Jerry, but you didn't. Anyway, DOGS! DOGS ARE AWESOME. I wish I wasn't living in an apartment (it is, admittedly, rather big for a student, but still) and actually had something like time, because I'd LOVE to get a dog.
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:24 pm (UTC)Dogs are indeed awesome, bb, and I'm sure at some point you'll have living arrangements that agree with that sentiment :D
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:47 pm (UTC)Yeah, I really hope so <3 Not sure what dog I'd get, but I'm constantly coming up with names :D
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Date: 2011-03-14 09:46 am (UTC)This is pretty much a great argument as to why dogs are better than humans ;) Honestly, I need another dog ASAP. But it'll have to be about the size of a hamster to fit into my flat...and not yap too much...sigh.
The writer's block thing just made me realise this is the first time in ten years that I have not had a pet and that seems so very, very wrong...
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:25 pm (UTC)I mean. Um. I'm not in love with their little furry faces or anything.
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Date: 2011-03-14 07:20 pm (UTC)O.O those are crazy! I think I might love them, I'm not sure...I might be tempted to use it as a duster on occasion? They are so...so...I don't even know! Plus also, how great would it be to say, hey, yeah, this is my lhasa apso, y'know...it would barely need naming...
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Date: 2011-03-14 09:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:25 pm (UTC)Appropos of nothing, but...
Date: 2011-03-14 10:59 am (UTC)Re: Appropos of nothing, but...
Date: 2011-03-14 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 11:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:26 pm (UTC)ALSO: SUDDENLY, POTATOES. WHERE IS IT. DO YOU NEED A BETA FOR IT. CAN I SELL YOU THE RIGHTS TO MY FIRSTBORN CHILD TO MAKE IT EXIST FASTER.
*Cough* I mean, um. I'm...not...crazy?
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Date: 2011-03-14 11:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 11:58 am (UTC)No-one wants that.
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:27 pm (UTC)(because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:12 am (UTC)*points to picture of Jerry*
This Dog. Now - I know what you're all thinking - you're thinking: "What is up with that, Colbert? That's a dog!" and "Whatever happened to bears?" and "Why won't he just let me run my fingers through his silvery hair..."
*pause* *embarrassed clearing of throat*
But you should stop thinking those things! All of them! Especially the last one. . You should be thinking about this Dog.
Now, Nation, this Dog may look harmless - all sweet and fluffy - but don't be fooled! This dog is a madman! A threat to everything we, the Colbert Nation, hold dear - from our beloved Americone Dream ice cream right down to certain silver haired people who won't return our calls just because we made fun of them, in a nice way, on our show...
*pause* *embarrassed cough*
Back to the dog - a dog that overreacts. A dog that assumes that things which are not threats are in fact the harbingers of doom, come to kill us all. This dog, this adorable and handsome dog, is trying to take Glenn Beck's place in our hearts.
Tell me what isn't threatening about that!
And, anyway, this dog's name is Jerry Gracia. What if he's the reincarnation of the real Jerry Garcia? What if he's come back to continue his terrifying sublimimal messages? What if - what, what is it Chuck?
*pause*
Oh. That was just me? I...I stand by what I say! This dog is the number one threat to America!
*pause* *phone hand*
(IDEK. I've never been best at "Stephen" and I may have lost track somewhere there. Still. There it is.)
Re: (because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:13 am (UTC)Re: (because apparently I can't write "Stephen" w/out Jon coming into it)
Date: 2011-03-15 01:19 am (UTC)I spent much of 2009 being a hardcore Fakenewser. I simply couldn't resist!
<3
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Date: 2011-03-14 12:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 12:56 pm (UTC)Now i'm trying to figure out what my mom's dog would do? I can only imagine him on like, an episode of Intervention, all, "These are thing things I've done for butter, man. Wrappers and ALL."
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 03:07 pm (UTC)I think one of my cat's would be Darth Vader - looming and heavy breathing (her purr sounds like Vader for real) My other cat would be a manic depressive tweaker.
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 04:07 pm (UTC)And you're kind of doomed now. Beware the writing tag!
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Date: 2011-03-14 04:29 pm (UTC)Trufax: I totally thought I had friended you months and months ago and you just NEVER POSTED, and then this morning I popped into the manage friends tab to edit some things and was like...wait....why isn't there a check next to...oh crap.
I LOOK FORWARD TO THE WRITING TAG :D
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Date: 2011-03-14 05:46 pm (UTC)I'm laughing now. And maybe pointing at you a little. :)
PLEASE feel free to comment and ask questions. Let me know if you want a starting point or something.
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Date: 2011-03-14 05:19 pm (UTC)STOP WRITING POSTS WITH MASSES OF BUILD UP AND THEN GIVE ME GLENN BECK AS A PUNCHLINE (the man is a punchline all on his own, but seriously now), IT'S NOT FAIR.
I SPIT SOUP.
SOUP.
I LOVE SOUP AND NOW I'VE WASTED SOME.
Jesus christ. That was too funny Jizz.
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Date: 2011-03-14 07:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-14 08:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 02:26 am (UTC)DYING.
YOU SLAY ME.
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Date: 2011-03-15 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-19 02:08 am (UTC)Thank you for that - fan-freaking-tastic! *bookmarks*
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Date: 2011-03-19 02:02 am (UTC)This may just be one of the most brilliant things I have ever read. EVER.
I love that the Glenn Beck pronouncement comes right after the line, He has been known, on occasion, to eat his own shit. Ohohohoho. Priceless.
I watch the show sometimes, because I think it's important to be aware of the things that all the batshit crazy nutjobs are saying, because they actually do have leverage, and they do have people who believe them. I don't know how much you've watched, but did you see the one where he threatened to saw a bunny in half with a chainsaw? O___O
Also, John Stewart's impersonations of Beck are hilarious - I highly, highly recommend that you watch them (if you haven't already done so).
P.S. THE GLOBAL CALIPHATE IS COMING, AND WISCONSIN IS PROOF. TRUFAX.