i don't know what's wrong with me but i wish that it was something else

[gyzym]

RIGHT, SO THIS IS A POST CONTAINING STUFF AND THINGS BUT NO TERRIBLE SOUTH PARK JOKES? Sorry about that; I crack myself up at 3 in the morning. Mostly I'm trying to distract myself from the Hawaii 5-0 fic that is going to get finished tomorrow instead of tonight, because it's 15K already and the penultimate scene is like, the most important in the whole story, but my brain is too fried to write it properly right now.

So, first I have a rec, and that is: Don't Carry It All, by passe_simple/harriet_vane. It's...okay, wait a second guys, hear me out...it's Jesse Eisenberg/Andrew Garfield. As in, it's TSN RPS. BUT IT'S AN AU! AND IT DOESN'T...oh my god, you guys, this is seriously one of the best stories I have read in years, and I do not read in this fandom or have any interest in it AT ALL. It just, it reads exactly like original fiction, because really in many ways it is original fiction. Basically Jesse and Andrew are just regular guys and not celebrities, and they meet through eHarmony and it's just this gorgeous heartwrenchingly human story of two people falling in love despite (and kind of because of) their neuroses, and how easy it is to fuck something up in trying your hardest and just, god. Really, really worth the read, guys. Really a lot.

Secondly, angelgazing, queen of my heart and all things brilliant, is HOSTING A MOTHERFUCKING HAWAII 5-0 CLICHE MEME. Fly over there as fast as your typing fingers can carry you, because, oh my god, all of the cliches are the best cliches, especially on a show where the leads are CANONICALLY FAKE MARRIED ♥ ♥ ♥

Thirdly, I have...um. Okay, so, sometimes two_if_by_sea and I bring out the worst in each other, right, and she linked me to this website you guys ALL HAVE TO GO TO called Better Book Titles. They give books better titles. It is the most hilarious thing of all time. NO, REALLY, LOOK:



BASICALLY, I SPENT LIKE AN HOUR TONIGHT LAUGHING UNTIL I CRIED. And when I, er, read the whole thing and got to the end we started retitling books ourselves because sometimes we're pretentious lit-nerd assholes? OR AT LEAST I AM, I CANNOT SPEAK FOR CATHY, SHE IS IN FACT A PEACH AND THIS IS NOT HER FAULT. And anyway, long story short, it somehow got around to plotting fucked up Nancy Drew porn and then I had to share it with everyone because there really is something wrong in my brain.



gyzym:
NOW I WANT TO DO MY OWN BETTER BOOK TITLES
LIKE, EAST OF EDEN:
TRY NOT TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN AFTER BIBLICAL MURDERERS

Cathy
;aslfkd;aklfd;alskjfg;lajket;lawje;
Fight Club: Bizarre Love Triangle

gyzym
JONATHAN FRANZEN'S "WRITING THIS BOOK MAKES ME A BETTER PERSON THAN YOU"
ahahahah bizarre love triange
JON KRAKAUER'S "STUPIDLY LITERAL TITLE"

Cathy
;alkj;glajk;elkja;wlej;lsdfk
Orson Scott Card's "Secretly A Mormon Fantasy About the Cold war"

gyzym
SFHJSDKFHDSJKFKSDF
cold mountain: "WALKING AND SITTING AND WALKING AND SITTING AND THEN, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WORRYING, THEY WALK AND SIT"

Cathy
ohgod
so true a;sfdlkja
joonathan livingston seagull: the birds

gyzym
nfdjsfbsdlhfbdjsf
ibsen's "when you can't dance out your problems run from them"

Cathy
j;fajd;lkadj;flkajfds;lkajt oa;slkdf
hysterical
"and then you become a chinese feminist icon for inexplicable reasons"

gyzym
dfndjsfdjskfdsjf
OH MY GOD I HAD A THROWDOWN FIGHT WITH MY ENGLISH TEACHER IN THE 11TH GRADE ABOUT THAT

Cathy
Pushkin's "Russian People Making Nonsensical Statements"

gyzym
steinbeck's "trust your sweet slow friend, but not too much"

Cathy
;lakjfd
i would have called it
"run rabbit run"

gyzym
ahahahahah aHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cathy
wuthering heights shou'd really have been "people behaving badly towards one another"

gyzym
yes, yes, it really should have been
david mitchell's "wait, i'm sorry, what...happened..."

Cathy
HAHAHA
WAIt
WHICH DAVID MITCHELL

gyzym
CLOUD MOTHERFUCKING ATLAS

Cathy
THa;lksfdj;
yes that's what i thought

gyzym
oh my god
i seriously finished that book
and then just
stared at it
for ten minutes
like it would give up its secrets to me
I HAVE NEVER FELT SO SIMULTANEOUSLY STUPID AND IRRITATED
AT THE END OF A NOVEL

Cathy
a;sfdlkja;ldf
i have a feeling that is what i'm going to be like
when i finally finish the illumanti trilogy
or
illumniatus?
or whatever that thing is called
the book that's advertised as a long shaggy dog story

gyzym
loooooool
dan brown's NO, I NEVER GET ANY BETTER AT THIS
stephanie meyer's STALKERS ARE ROMANTIC, SWEETHEART

Cathy
as;fdlkajs;fdlkajsd;lfjasfd
followed by
BABIES ARE PARASITES

gyzym
dfhdsjfhdsfdsfhs
BUT ABORTION IS WRONG
BABIES ARE PARASITES BUT ABORTION IS WRONG

Cathy
Tuesdays With Morrie: Chicken Soup for the Reader Digest's Soul

gyzym
tuesdays with morrie: real visits to the retirement home are a lot more guilt-inducing than this
SUZE ORMAN'S "MY MONEY MAKING STRATEGY IS TOTALLY STILL WORKING YOU SUCKERS"

Cathy
Boxcar Children: Child Protective Services is for Pansies

gyzym
AJKLJFDSJGSDGHJDLGDSJGHSDLKGDKGF

Cathy
Nancy Drew: Three Girls and Their Boyfriends Play Clue

gyzym
oh my god
NANCY AND NED

Cathy
"In a change from earlier portrayals of the character, Nancy is pictured on the cover of Hit and Run Holiday (1986) in proximity to a young man, rather than a clue."
a;lskdfj
ohmygoda;slkfdj
what a hilarious caption
IN PROXIMITY TO A YOUNG MAN
RATHER THAN A CLUE!!
so scandalous

gyzym
WHAT IF HE WAS A YOUNG MAN
AND
A CLUE?
WHAT THEN

Cathy
NO
NO
IN NANCY DREW'S WORLD
YOU CANNOT BE BOTH

gyzym
WELL, I MEAN
IF THE MYSTERY IS
"HOW DID I END UP WITH CRABS"
THE YOUNG MAN
....MIGHT BE THE CLUE

Cathy
;andjf;lkaj;alkj;lagjfk;lsfkjads;lkj
NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF THE CRABS

gyzym
dying dying dying

Cathy
solution: she went to see her gyno

gyzym
AND THEN TRACKED DOWN THE CULPRIT

Cathy
" Nancy is often dressed provocatively, in short skirts, shirts that reveal her stomach or breasts, or a bathing suit. She is always pictured with an attentive, handsome male in the background, and frequently appears aware of and interested in that male."
a;sfdklajs;fd
wait
what
i have never seen
a cover of nancy drew
where they expoed
HER BREASTS

gyzym
THOSE WERE THE XXX EDITIONS, CATHY

Cathy
OH

gyzym
DID YOUR PARENTS NOT GET YOU THOSE?

Cathy
OH I SEE
NO
APPARENTLY NOT
a;kjsfd;alkd
I AM JUST SAYIN'
I FEE LIKE
I WAS DEPRIVED
OF BREAST-EXPOSING NANCY DREW

gyzym
WELL I FEEL LIKE I WAS DEPRIVED OF THE BACKSTORY
BETWEEN NANCY
AND HER "FRIEND" GEORGE
GIRL-GEORGE
WHO WAS ALWAYS AROUND
LOOKIN' FOR CLUES
I'M JUST SAYING, THERE WAS A PULP NOVEL THERE
WAAAAAITING TO HAPPEN

Cathy
RIGHT??
and i also loved that like
their boyfriends
were the most generic things
ever
liek they were just
three
really nice guys
and i never knew who was who

gyzym
oh my god i know i know
they literally existed to like
show up and break down doors occasionally
or be a plot device to locate nancy near a mystery

Cathy
YES

gyzym
THAT IS ALL THEY EVER DID

Cathy
EXACTLY
and then they would disappear
and i'd be like
BUT
BUT WHO ARE YOU

gyzym
YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT

Cathy
oh god
this si going to end in
nancy drew porn
isn't it

gyzym
PROBABLY
but
i want to write the grown up nancy drew where like
all of the crime solving has made her
CRAZY PARANOID and she's like, a serial cheater because she needs something to distract herself from how much she hates being a 50's housewife

Cathy
a;sdfj;askdjl;a
a;slfkdj;saf
ohmygod ;alsfkdj;asldfk

gyzym
AND SHE AND GEORGE
ARE TOTALLY DOING IT
IN HER BACK GARDEN

Cathy
OF COURSE THEY ARE

gyzym
WHILE NED IS OFF AT WORK

Cathy
a;sdlfkj

gyzym
SMILING HIS MILLION DOLLAR SMILE AND BEING SO GODDAMN NICE ALL THE TIME

Cathy
i want a fic where nancy is a stepford wife

gyzym
SOME DAYS SHE WANTS TO KILL HIM
SHE COULD DO IT.

Cathy
a;lsfdkja;

gyzym
SHE KNOWS HOW MURDERS WORK.

Cathy
omg what if
she like
has this elaborate fantasy
where she kills him
and she thinks she carries it out
but it ends up
she's just going cdrazy
hallucinates the whole thing

gyzym
oh my god, it's like fucked up nancy drew meets cuckoo's nest meets the yellow wallpaper djfdjhfds

Cathy
YES
EXACTLY
she has george convinced
that she's killed ned

gyzym
dhfsdjfhjsdf
she has been
LEAVING CLUES

Cathy
yes
YES
it's like
the reverse
of the books
she leaves these clues
so george can solve
the crime
and the crime is SHE KILLED NED
but she really didn't....

gyzym
fdsjfhsdjkfhjdsfs
cathy
how do i get myself into these messes cathy

Cathy
well
you probably start with an idea
like
"i've always wante do twrite
a story
where nancy drew
is ini her 30s
and has sex with george"
and then thirty minutes later

gyzym
....
i think tonight's lesson is
that i am my own worst enemy

Comments

[weatherfront.livejournal.com]

...OF COURSE THAT IS THE BETTER BOOK TITLE THAT YOU CHOOSE TO FEATURE IN THIS POST FLA;LEKJA;LRKE

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I WAS TORN BETWEEN THIS AND "800 PAGES TO FIND OUT ONE DUDE IS JEWISH."

I AM NOTHING IF NOT PREDICTABLE, IFRIT

[weatherfront.livejournal.com]

Fuckkkk Daniel Deronda, that was one of my favorite ones, will you be proud of me if I say that the entire while I struggled through DD, I just wanted to fucking rip out all the parts that weren't the Jewish Plot :'(

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I read your Little House porn yesterday and have been trying to figure out how to comment on it for literally 27 hours

BY WHICH I MEAN, I WILL ALWAYS BE PROUD OF YOU

[weatherfront.livejournal.com]

Will you be extra proud if I just sort of mash the two things together and end up writing Daniel Deronda porn where he fucks Mordecai half to death because Mordecai's delicate mortal shell just can't handle that much excitement all at once*

*not being written.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

jdshfaks why would you do that to me

DO NOT TEASE ME WITH SUCH THINGS IF YOU DO NOT INTEND TO FOLLOW THROUGH

/apologies if this posted twice or several times livejournal is being AN ASSFACE >:(

[weatherfront.livejournal.com]

LEAST SEXY PORN EVER, Daniel trying really really really hard not to actually thrust or push in or make any sudden movements of any kind because he doesn't want Mordecai to fucking die and he can't even tell if Mordecai is enjoying it or not because Mordecai won't stop deliriously rambling on about equality and godly love, which is all he ever does even without Daniel's dick inside him anyway... like normally as one thinks of hypothetical porn one gets pretty invested in it, but this, I just want to bash my head against my desk

Gwendolyn's like, HIM???

and Daniel's like, IT'S NOT LOVE! IT'S JUST MY JEWISH BLOOD!

[onthecount.livejournal.com]

I READ EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN NANCY DREW BOOK AND IN EVERY SINGLE ONE I HOPED SHE AND GEORGE WERE SECRETLY GIRLFRIENDS



BECAUSE NED WAS BORING.

Also I can't focus on anything else you've written here because A;lkgasdlf HAWAII FIVEHO AND I ARE HAVING SOME ALONE TIME.

What have you done to me?? :'(

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

IT'S LIKE A DISEASE. djsfhdskf oh my god i have so much ridiculous cracked out terrible fic in progress to show you

[onthecount.livejournal.com]

I WILL BE ON AIM IN TEN MINUTES OR WHENEVER THIS EPISODE IS OVER.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

I WILL BE...GETTING SOME LATE NIGHT SNACKAGE PROBABLY BUT THEN AROUND I THINK IDEK DJSFHJDSF ADIUM IS DOING STUFF AND THINGS OF EVIL TONIGHT

[onthecount.livejournal.com]

OKAY BB I AM ON BUT YOU ARE RIGHT
ADIUM NEEDS TO STOP BEING DICKS

also i was so excited about the EXCITING SLASHY PARTS of episode 17 but then I realized APPARENTLY THEY ARE IN EPISODE 16?? AND I DIDN'T CATCH THEM? WHAT? I feel like the slowest child. ALSO THAT BLOG, OH MY GOD.

and this fic rec.......emotional porn is my favorite. JESSE EISENBERG AND ANDREW GARFIELD. ARE MY FAVORITES. thank you for introducing me to this. omg~

[illian.livejournal.com]

the penultimate scene is like, the most important in the whole story, but my brain is too fried to write it properly right now.

I can identify. I spent most of the day editing 1/3 of my writing and adding about 3K more words on top of the 40K I had. My brain just hit the wall so hard this evening I'm lucky I didn't deploy air bags.

I think I'm going to go soothe it with Hawaii 5-0 episodes and/or fic.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

Dude, together we can deploy the writing airbags, because I am off to do EXACTLY THE SAME THING. Maybe we should start a support group :D

[illian.livejournal.com]

For fic writing or Hawaii 5-0?

And just to throw something out into the aether so you know I'm not totally lying about the writing:

Wish and Niels whirled around at a rumble, and they watched a large section of the nearby shelves give way and crash into the work space. When he saw a wave form in the wreckage, Niels grabbed one of Wish’s elbows.

"Okay, that tears it, start practicing that mind mojo while running,” he ordered as he took off after his agents. He only has to drag Wish along for a step or two then Wish’s legs catch the rhythm and he was dead even beside Niels. A moment later, out of the corner of his eye, Niels saw Wish suddenly grin.

“What?” Niels gasped.

“I’m just wondering how to get running treads put on my shoes,” Wish said in an absurdly cheerful tone, grabbing a shelving stanchion and nearly sliding as he rounded a corner. “I have a feeling I’m going to be doing a lot more sprinting in the future.”

“Do you ever stop?” Niels asked in exasperation over the pounding of his feet against the floor and his hearbeat.

“Some people whistle in the dark. I tend to get mouthy.”

“I doubt the merits of that as a survival trait.”

“Depends entirely on which words you’re using,” Wish said with a grin that verged on the manic. “And you better get them right the first time.”

“Less chatter, more running!” Chavez bellowed from ahead of them.

[froggie.livejournal.com]

I would read the FUCK out of that Nancy Drew psychological mindfuck porn, just so you know.

Also omg that site. Amazing. AMAZING.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

ISN'T IT THE BEST SITE EVER? I can't even deal omg.

[froggie.livejournal.com]

Annie Proulx: The Hills Have Guys

DYING

However this is one of my favorites:



Possibly because it's also one of my favorite video games ever though.

[zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com]

WELL, I MEAN
IF THE MYSTERY IS
"HOW DID I END UP WITH CRABS"
THE YOUNG MAN
....MIGHT BE THE CLUE

*dies laughing. messily. all over the place.*

Ohmigod your Nancy Drew fic ideas. I want to see them made into reality. That would be SO AMAZING. Even if I've never read a Nancy Drew in my life.

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

fjsdjfdsf SOMEDAY I WILL WRITE MINDFUCK NANCY DREW PORN. SOMEDAY.

But what do you mean you've never read them oh my god YOU MUST they are like, ridiculously campy and kind of terrible but also amazing and the defining block of my childhood, YOU MUST PICK ONE UP :D :D :D

[zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com]

I will put it on my VERY LONG book list fffffffffffff.

[kleat.livejournal.com]

But... I... I liked Nancy Drew! Wait though, who was George? And who was Ned?

[gyzym.livejournal.com]

Oh, dude, I fucking loved the Nancy Drew books. I just want to take them and twist them all around because I am a terrible person/they are iconic/it would be fun.

George = Nancy's friend who was totally secretly her girlfriend
Ned = Nancy's SAME PERSONALITY AS STALE TOAST boyfriend

[jibrailis.livejournal.com]

Nancy Drew and the case of the crabs fsdkjl;a. THE CULPRIT MAY BE CLOSER THAN YOU THINK. CLOSER. CLOSER. CHECK YOUR VAGINA.

oh Nancy.

[shiroi-ten.livejournal.com]

I WAS HOPING FOR AN EAST OF EDEN ONE. And you gave me one. :) Plus Nancy Drew stuff that made me chortle awkwardly. Never ever ever stop please?

[cmonkatiekatie.livejournal.com]

Oh god, that tumblr is fantaaaaastic. Call your mom. :(

[miznarrator.livejournal.com]

I love everything about this Nancy Drew plot. EVERYTHING.

[hermette.livejournal.com]

CLICHE MEME???

Leaning Chimney Cones

[beachlass.livejournal.com]

12 slices bologna
6 sprigs parsley
2 pimentos
4 cups radishes
1/4 cup finely cut chives
1 pint cottage cheese
Salt
Pepper

Remove the rind from the bologna. Place separate slices on a tray.
Wash parsley. Cut of stems. Dry on a paper towel. Cut leaves finely with clean scissors. Chop pimentos into small pieces.
Cut of the root end of radishes and scrub well. Chop into small bits.
Combine parsley, pimentos, radishes, and chives in a bowl. Add cottage cheese and stir well. Place a spoonful of this mixture on each slice of bologna.
Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Roll each slice into the shape of a cone. Hold the cones together with toothpicks. Serve cones so the stand up in a large bowl.

A NUTRITIONAL DECORATION
Insert a sprig of parsley into the top of each cone. Parsley is colourful and full of vitamin C.


The Nancy Drew Cookbook
Clues to Good Cooking
by Carolyn Keene

[fireblooms.livejournal.com]

Oh god, Better Book Titles was like, the reason I bit the bullet and joined Tumblr. Hahaha

[jazzonia.livejournal.com]

:O SO MUCH LOVE
I think it's a testament to my love for you/your writing that I would so. read. that. fic.

[oaktree89.livejournal.com]

I definitely read that RPS fic (TO MY SHAME) and it was so fucking good, omg. It had everything I love in sugary clever fanfiction (except the porn, where was the porn??? but I digress).

So yeah. It was good.
I don't really know where I was going with this...

[postcardmystery.livejournal.com]

So that fic was fantastic, (ah, RPS, you make me hate myself but I go there anyway).

My friend, totally unrelated-ly to this post, sent me a link to the book site today, and as someone writing a thesis on tragedy and 20th Century poetry right now, HIPPOLYTUS: INCEST CAUSES SEA MONSTERS is AMAAAAAAAAAAZING.

Also, ULYSSES: ONE LONG SENTENCE ABOUT HANDJOBS sums up all the reasons I am never, ever going to read that fucking book so succinctly.

[sorrelchestnut.livejournal.com]

WELL, I MEAN
IF THE MYSTERY IS
"HOW DID I END UP WITH CRABS"
THE YOUNG MAN
....MIGHT BE THE CLUE


... I laughed so hard I cried. Also? I would read that story in a heartbeat, no lie.

[anoncents.livejournal.com]

This is so silly, but

*________________________*

You read a Jesse/Andrew story and liked it. And I love the TSN fandom so it feels like a respected older sister/mentor/role model just approved of my hobby and found it worthwhile or something. IDK.

[sometimesalways.livejournal.com]

i'm so excited to read TSN rec. i hope you DO get into the fandom though cuz i'm kinda in love with those two and i'll spam with you teh pretty constantly. no, really, ask foxxcub ;)

[elucreh.livejournal.com]

One of my favorite Lois Lowry quotes:

"There wasn't any sex in Nancy Drew novels. Nancy's boyfriend, in Anastasia's private opinion, was a little bit retarded that way."


I JUST THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE.


I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove your future book, though. You should write that. SOMEBODY should write that, anyhow.

[iambickilometer.livejournal.com]

I AM JUST SAYING, I WOULD READ THAT NANCY DREW BOOK ABOUT REVERSE CRIMES AND FUCKING GEORGE IN THE GARDEN AND HALLUCINATION AND IT WOULD BE MY FAVOURITE BOOK EVER I AM PRETTY SURE.

Also hello I am back to stalking your journal, and thank you for the rec; I am allowing myself to dangle my toes over the precarious ledge of RPF to dip them in the magical river of Andrew/Jesse and it is both terrifying and exhilarating and no one but you can ever know. But I guess since you obviously read it too it's okay that you do.

[erdbeerasche.livejournal.com]

I WANT THAT NANCY DREW FIC