gyzym: (Rainbow balloons!)
[personal profile] gyzym
Uh, what it says on the tin?

Well, no, wait. The truth is, I hesitate to use the word "essay," because that implies some modicum of vague professionalism, and, as you guys know, that is not my wont. In actuality this is a tl;dr word vomit on the topic of bisexuality, because sometimes I just want to talk about things! There wasn't an incident that provoked this, really--I saw a couple things on tumblr that made me go buh?, I've had a couple of RL conversations lately that made me go Really?, so here this is.

As always, the following things are true:
1) I am just a girl on the internet with a lot of feelings, and I don't claim to know shit about shit.
2) This is written from my perspective, dealing with my experiences as an American, cigendered bisexual woman. They're not the same as everyone else's! They're not the same as anyone else's, come to that; every human experience is unique, and no two people feel/act on/deal with things the exact same way.
3) If I have inadvertently offended someone, I apologize profusely, that was not my intention! Let me know and we'll talk about fixing it. ♥

All that said:

Bisexuality: One of Those Things No One Should Let Me Get Started Talking About

So, we're going to start with my Coming Out Story, or, to use a less weighted title, A Convoluted and Largely Hilarious Tale That Involves Me Falling Off of a Ladder in The Throes of Confused Passion. It is a story that I have told many times--to friends, in front of classrooms as part of that group I was a member of in college, and once, memorably, in front of a sorority full of very hot, very straight girls. "Does bisexuality mean you have to date two people all the time?" one of them asked me, honestly curious, after that particular session; for the record, no. No it does not.

But that is not for this part of the post! It will come later. This is the introduction, so, without further ado, here is how I figured out I was bisexual: I figured out I was a lesbian.

No, wait, let me start again; when I was seventeen, following years of being ridiculously boy crazy, I accidentally fell madly in love with my best friend. And let me be clear: when I say "ridiculously boy crazy," I mean it. That girl in your sixth grade class sending boys notes that said "I like you! Will you be my boyfriend? Please check yes or no," you remember that girl? Yeah, that was me. I loved dudes. Did I know what that really meant? No. Did I really care? Noooope. I had what my mother called goldfish relationships, because they tended to last about as long as an average carnival-won goldfish lives; I went through boys like it was my job description, generally baffling them completely by ordering them around for three weeks and then breaking up with them with brownies to soften the blow.

Am I proud of this? No. But these are the facts, and I am reporting them honestly.

A thing I didn't understand until I realized I'd fallen in love with my best friend: all those years I'd been boy crazy, I'd been girl crazy too. I just didn't really know that was a thing you could be, because my parents--who are open, accepting people, but err on the side of assuming I'll figure shit out on my own--had kind of neglected to mention that being gay was a thing. By the time I figured out that Sherri and Kerry down the street were not in fact in a Golden Girls type situation, I was a freshman in high school, and bisexuality wasn't something that had ever been mentioned to me. There were girls whose friendship I cared about a lot more than anyone else's, but I liked guys, so I couldn't be a lesbian!

Oh, cut me some slack, I was 14.

Anyway, point being, fourth of July before my senior year of high school I was watching the fireworks, whispering inside jokes with this girl who had become my closest friend, and it hit me like a ton of bricks: oh shit. Oh shit. OH SHIT, DUDE, I DO NOT WANT TO BE HER FRIEND AT ALL. Good places to have this realization: alone in your car, alone in your house, alone in the woods, ALONE SOMEWHERE. Bad places to have this realization: sitting on a blanket with the object of your freshly-realized affection while her boyfriend is seated approximately half a foot away. I believe I said something like, "Oh, a person! I see them! I'll just--yeah, go, say things, bye," and ran off like a headless chicken. Then I bummed a cigarette off of some guy who was leaning against a fence smoking what was, in retrospect, definitely weed, and went and hid behind a tree and freaked the fuck out.

I was in love with a girl. I was in love with a girl! But I had dated boys before, I had said I ~loved~ boys, and what little I'd heard about bisexuality was that it didn't exist. How could I be in love with a girl? The world did not make sense, and I spent the rest of the summer in a confused haze of "WHAT?!?!" and "Wow, she looks really hot in that top, doesn't she, JESUS, THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE." There may have been cold showers; we don't need to talk about it.

Then a miraculous thing happened. My friend, who I'd assumed was a lost, straight cause, dumped her boyfriend, left for college, and confessed her love for me over one of the many six hour phone calls that colored those first few weeks of my senior year. Shit was amazing. We talked about what we were going to name our someday dogs, I flew out to where she was living and spent a fabulous weekend eating garlic bread and figuring out how girl parts worked, and I came to a conclusion.

I was dating a girl. I loved her. I had dated guys before, but never felt like this about them. Deep in the throes of my seventeen-year-old first-love insanity, I melodramatically thought to myself, "I will never love another!" There was poetry, guys. It was atrocious. But, in any case, all of my churning thoughts on the topic had come together: I was in love with a girl. I would never love anyone else. I was a lesbian!

Here is how coming out to my parents went:

My Mother

Angsty Teenage Me: So, I'm a lesbian.
My Mother: No you're not. Pass the potatoes?
My Mother: …wait, were you serious? You're not going to shave your head, are you? Please tell me you're not going to shave your head.

My Father

My Father: Hey, you missed your curfew by five minutes.
Angsty Teenage Me: WELL, I AM A LESBIAN. [Note: No, I have absolutely no idea why I thought this would be a good segue. I was a lot of things as a teenager, but rational was not one of them.]
My Father: Yeah, I know, what the hell does that have to do with your curfew?
Angsty Teenage Me: I…wait, you know?
My Father: What, did you think I thought you and [Girlfriend] were just friends? I pay the phone bill, don't be stupid, nobody talks to their friends that much.
Angsty Teenage Me: But if you. I mean. Do you and Mom not talk?
My Father: Oh, that must be why she's worried you're going to shave your head.
Angsty Teenage Me: I…you…buh….
My Father: Don't be late again. Also I think you might need a pair of Doc Martens.

I SWEAR TO GOD, THAT IS HOW THAT WENT DOWN. They try very hard, my parents. They are very accepting people, they have gay friends, they are for gay marriage and think discrimination of all forms is disgusting, they watched and loved all six seasons of the L Word. They're pretty much the best you could ask for in a lot of ways, but they are, at the end of the day, straight, cisgendered baby boomers who have lived their whole lives in Ohio, and it is hard to teach them new tricks. My father genuinely thinks all lesbians own at least one pair of Doc Martens, no matter what I say. I think he might think they're issued. My mother still implores me not to shave my head, having apparently never realized that I am aware that my head is round like a basketball, and I am not keen to show that to the world.

POINT BEING: I came out to my parents as a lesbian. Then I came out to my friends as a lesbian. Then I spent a glorious six months dating my gorgeous, brilliant best friend, and another (less glorious) four months breaking up with her. Then, single and, if not pleased about it, at least resigned, I was working late at the bookstore that employed me one night when the new guy came up behind the ladder I was standing on. He leaned one hand against the shelf, smiling up at me, and said, "Hey, I finished shelving the cookbooks, let me help you finish up here or I'm going to end up getting paid for rereading The Corrections."

The haze of lust was all consuming, you guys. I stared down at him, at his weak chin and scraggly blonde hair and noodle arms and nerd glasses, and wanted to bang him like a screen door. I was a lesbian. He was a dude. He was a dorky looking dude (which, as it turns out, is my kryptonite, but I didn't really know that at the time)! The world, again, made no sense at all.

"Erp?" I said, and fell off the ladder. The bastard caught me; it didn't really help with the whole confusion thing. At all.

I will not go into the subsequent process of sorting my shit out. It involved a lot of terrible poetry, some looking at porn with my head cocked to the side like I was appraising it for auction, a couple of ill-advised hookup choices, and a relationship with a guy who ended up being a gigantic douchenozzle, though he was very good about not comparing me to a Girls Gone Wild DVD after I threatened to attack him with a staple gun if he did it again. The important part is that I realized that bisexuality, contrary to what I'd long heard, did actually exist. I could be sure; I was experiencing it first hand.

Then I had to come out again. This…did not go well.

My Mother

Less Angsty Teenage Me: So, this is kind of awkward, but I'm not a lesbian, I'm bisexual.
My Mother: I knew you'd realize you were really straight!
Less Angsty Teenage Me: That's…that's not what I…
My Mother: There's just something about a…well, a penis--

My Father

Less Angsty Teenage Me: So, as it turns out, I'm bisexual.
My Father: I don't really think that exists, but hey, I guess I could be wrong, whatever you want to call yourself.
Less Angsty Teenage Me: Really? Jesus, try harder, Dad.
My Father: Wait, shit, this means I have to worry about you getting pregnant again!
Less Angsty Teenage Me: Hey! What the hell are you trying to say there?*
My Father: Well, I'm not saying I think you'd get--it's just, you know, on the table again.
Less Angsty Teenage Me: I don't know why I talk to you sometimes.

[*Note: my reaction here was less "Hey, are you implying I am sexually active?!" and more "Hey, are you implying that I don't use HELLA PROTECTION?!" I think my father assumes it was the first; I allow him the delusion, because we live in a carefully maintained stasis where I, his only daughter, do not ever actually admit that I have sex, and he can go on pretending that I play Parcheesi with significant others. End of note.]

All in all, not exactly the neatest coming out story ever, but here's a secret: as far as I know, none of them really are. In fact, most stories about things that matter in life are not neat. That's just how shit goes.

Anyway, I told that story for two reasons. One: street cred. Now you all know that I am a bumbling fool! Two, and more importantly: coming out is weird, and I don't just mean to other people, I mean to yourself. Sexuality is complicated and fluid and different for everyone and there is no instruction manual. It just happens to you, like an unexpected rainstorm or a run-in with the Doctor; there is no predicting it, it often leaves you wet when you were expecting to be dry, and it is, generally speaking, bigger on the inside.

Yes, that was a hideously disgusting joke and a Doctor Who joke mashed into one sentence; I can be two things! See what I did there?

Here are some questions and/or statements I get or have heard about bisexuality. Some of them have come from people I'm close to, others have come from random people/the internet, but all of them are, I think, worth discussing.

One: Bisexuality is a myth.

Wrong. In fact, bisexuality being a myth is a myth; I see how you could have gotten confused. But here it is, straight from the horse's mouth: I have dated guys, I have dated girls, I have fucked guys, I have fucked girls, I have loved guys, I have loved girls. It's been awesome, terrible, life-altering, horrifying, intriguing, mystifying, brilliant, beautiful and, a couple of times, muddy. It's also all been entirely real. Would I say that being in love with a guy is exactly the same as being in love with a girl? Of course not--being in love is different every time, regardless of the sexual and/or gender orientations of the people involved. I dated a guy I went on hikes for, because I loved him; I dated a girl I watched Red Sox games for, because I loved her. If hike guy had asked me to root for the Red Sox, I would have told him to go fuck himself; if Sox girl had asked me to go hiking, I would have laughed in her face. It's all relative.

Point being: if bisexuality is a myth, so am I. Suck it.

Two: Oh, that bisexuality thing is just a phase you went through.

Despite my best attempts to convince her otherwise, in any period of time where I am not actively involved with a woman, my mother persists in thinking this. At eighteen, it would have left me twisting in the wind of agonized LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT; now I mostly let it roll off my back like it is water and I am a mildly irritated duck. Is this to say that a parent, grandparent, sibling, close personal friend, not-so-close personal friend, healthcare profession, ANYONE disregarding you in re: your own fucking sexuality is a trivial thing? Of course not. It is a terrible feeling, in part because because it suggests that someone else knows the intimate details of you better than you do, which is awful and demeaning and stabbity face making, and in part because being heard by the people you love is deeply important in any arena. The following is an understanding I have come to, personally, regarding my--personal!--feelings on this topic. They are not meant to invalidate anyone else's feelings, or suggest that this is how everyone feels/has felt/should feel, just so we're entirely clear.

The reason my mother thinking bisexuality was a phase doesn't really stick to me anymore: because I know she's wrong. Let me repeat that: I know she's wrong. I am lucky enough to be in a solid place in my understanding of self on this topic, so anyone saying…well…anything about it isn't really going to rattle me or change my mind or make me feel small. My mother could also tell me that I am not a human being but a triceratops dinosaur, but, barring a sudden attack of breaking out in scales, it wouldn't really do shit. I would not be a triceratops. She could think that, but it wouldn't be true. I am bisexual; she thinks I am not, but I am, and her thought process isn't going to be altering my feelings toward, for example, Karen Gillan anytime soon. [I should also put it out there that, while she persists in being annoying about this, she has embraced every girl I've dated, and I know she would again, which is a big part of why her silliness doesn't permeate much. It's just that when I'm not dating a girl, she seems to think that I'm magically straight. Again: new tricks, hard to teach.]

Basically my point in telling you that was this: to the extent that you can, don't let anyone's opinion of what you should or shouldn't be. This is one of those things I believe about every arena of life, and I know, I know, it is much easier said than done. But the thing is, what people think of you doesn't change who you are, and remembering that opinions other than my own were, in the grand scheme of things, worthless, helped me get to a solid accepting place for myself. Which is the most important thing, guys, I promise.

Three: Bisexuality means you have to be dating two people to be satisfied/you will inevitably leave a woman for a man/you will inevitably leave a man for a women.

I really, really wish that this was just something a well meaning but badly mistaken sorority girl said to me one time, but it isn't. It isn't at all. People. Think. This. There are even people in the LGBT community who think this--not that first part, at least in my experience, but that second part for sure. I have had conversations with LGBT folk who have said, "Oh, I won't date bisexual girls because I got burned one time," or, "Oh, I won't date bisexual guys because they've always got one foot out the door," or, "No, I won't date someone bi, they always turn out to be straight." I have had this conversation with other bisexual people. It's….not my favorite thing to hear, let's just put it that way. Any other way we could put it would involve tales of me accidentally spitting on people while yelling, and that's really not dignified.

I have twice had the incredible opportunity of seeing activist Robyn Ochs (who is a cool lady, you should check her out) speak, and she talked briefly at one point on this topic. I am--badly--paraphrasing her here, but her essential point was: bisexuality is often thought to mean someone who flits wily nily between men and women at least in part because that's the only way bisexuality is visible. Here's what that means: you see a girl kissing a guy? Straight. You see a girl kissing a girl? Gay. You see a girl kissing a guy, and then turning around and kissing a girl? BISEXUALITY! Or, you know, polyamory, or bicuriosity, or pansexuality, or omnisexuality, or really close friends with fewer boundaries than your average bear, or a girl that feels like kissing whoever she goddamn wants to kiss, fuck right off, thanks! But, the point is, in order to actually physically view someone who is bisexual acting on bisexuality, you have to see them with two partners. And that kind of thing, at least according to Robyn Ochs, has power, even if it's only subconscious.

Here is the truth: bisexual people are as capable of being monogamous as aaaanyone else. While I'm sure there are people out there who prefer to have two partners--and while that is totally fine, there's such a stigma against polyamory and that's such bullshit--that's not an automatic part of being bisexual. At all. And, in a similar vein, you can spend 50 years with a women or 50 years with a man and still be bisexual, the same way you can be a virgin and still be gay--or straight, for that matter. It's not about who you're dating/sleeping with/married to/having babies with, it's about who you are attracted to, the end.

Four: Bisexuality and omnisexuality and pansexuality are just different names for the same thing.

They're not, actually. Here, let's have some definitions! (Keep in mind--these are based on my understanding and double checked around the 'net, but I am fully aware that they might not be how you use the words, and that is totally okay. I'm writing out the understanding I think most people have, but that does not in any way change or invalidate your use of any given term herein. Your life, your call, end of story.)

bisexuality: sexual or romantic attraction to both men and women.

pansexuality: sexual or romantic attraction not bound to sex or gender identity (or: attraction to people, regardless of the gender binary)

omnisexuality: Okay, this one is complicated--there are people who say it means the same thing as pansexuality, and others who say that it differs, that omnisexuality is someone attracted to people regardless of their orientation as opposed to anything else. I will be the first to admit that I am not sure of the ins and outs of this; I am including both pan and omnisexuality, separately, because I have known pansexual people who would never want to be called omni, and omni folks who would never want to be called pan. And also because, while there are some folks who couldn't give two shits about labels, for others finding the term that fits is a big part of self-acceptance and feeling like part of the whole. BOTH OF THESE THINGS ARE FINE, thus, omni gets it own designation.

THE POINT HERE IS: the definitions are different. I describe myself as bisexual because, while the gender binary plays no role at all in how I see people or form friendships, gender identity is part of sexual attraction for me. There's nothing I can do about it. Note that I said gender identity and not sex--I really couldn't give two shits about the body someone was born with, it's the identity thing that has a hold, god knows why. I tell you this because there are people who would consider this pansexuality, and I have in fact been told that I am incorrect to identify myself as bi rather than pan. I have told these people to fuck off! The term bisexual sits right with me, so that is what I use, and that is okay. Whatever term you do or do not want to use is also totally okay!

Five: So, what's your percentage split? [AKA: So, where are you on the Kinsey scale?]

First and foremost: this means "If you were going to split your attraction to men and women into relative percentages, what would they be?" It does not, as I thought the first time I was asked this, mean someone wants the answers to the homework for a class you're not in. If you try to explain to them that you're not in that class, they will look at you as though you are speaking in cunning code, but not in a good way. The more you know!

Now, please note: this is not an inherently bad question. I get this a lot from other people who identify as bisexual, and there are, I'm sure, lots and lots of people who can answer it! I'm not one of them; for me, the answer shifts on a regular basis. There are some days when my split would be 95% girls, 5% guys; there are some days when it would be the reverse. I jump between 2 and 5 on the Kinsey scale depending on any number of different factors, up to and including my proximity to photos of Scotty Caan.

I include this question, then, not because it is a bad question, but to tell you that it's okay if you don't have an answer. It's not a fixed thing for everyone, and it doesn't have to be. It doesn't make you less bisexual if there are times when you find yourself overwhelming drawn to dudes, or overwhelmingly drawn to ladies. Sliding scale, folks.

Six: God, bisexuals are so hot.

Now, don't get me wrong: if someone were to say this and follow it up with, "And I say that because I am deeply drawn to the inherent level of consideration of queer theory I have found in the bisexual folks I have known," it would still be generalizing, but I would be less inclined to smack them for it. However, usually this statement comes along with the full package of nonsense: specifically, from guys who think that being bisexual means you are their own personal Girls Gone Wild DVD. I once had a guy I was dating, upon hearing that I was bisexual, say, "Oh great, I've always wanted to have a threesome!" as though my willingness to participate in one was a forgone conclusion. We did not date for much longer.

I will say this once: being bisexual does not make you a sex object. If you are a woman and feel like making out with other women in front of dudes to turn them on, that is your call and your right, because it is your body (though I will stop here to tell you that the kind of guys who want that from you by and large turn out not to be worth your time). If you are a guy and you enjoy making out with other guys for the benefit of onlooking ladies, rock on (though, again, someone who sees you solely as a sexual object, regardless of your sex or gender identity, is probably not the best call ever, in my experience). Your decisions are your own, but THAT IS NOT PART OF BEING BISEXUAL. Neither is desire to have threesomes. The only person who gets a say in your choices, sexual or otherwise, is you--being bi is not a choice, but how you act on it is. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise--that you're obligated to make out with members of the same sex or obligated not to, that you're obligated to do x y and z sexual thing or you're obligated not to, that you're obligated to portray yourself a certain way or obligated not to--is an ASSHOLE. I CANNOT BE CLEAR ENOUGH ABOUT THIS. Don't let people tell you how to be; your choices, your life, your right to consent is yours, always, regardless of your sexuality.

Seven: Hahaha, bisexuals are just greedy.

I think people think this joke is funny; it's not. I think people think this joke is original; believe me, BELIEVE ME, it's not. And this is not to say that I don't happily make jokes about my sexuality--hell, for years I had an awesome button on my bag that said "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood and I took both," until I tragically lost it. But! The reason this joke isn't funny is because it suggests bisexuality is some kind of opt-in clause, like attraction to members of more than one sex is something people do to have a better chance of getting laid.

Like any other sexuality, bisexuality is not a choice. Born this way, etc. No one is waking up and saying, "Today, I think I will also feel attraction to members of my own gender! Yes, good show." We're not greedy. We're not just trying to widen the dating pool (another thing I hear all the time). We're not "on the train to Gaytown"--thanks, Sex in the City, that was awesome of you--and we're not "just confused." We're bisexual. It's a thing. Look it up.

Eight: The fact that you're bisexual has given me an inadequacy complex about dating you; what if you leave me because I'm not satisfying your exotic bisexual needs?!

Refer anyone who says this to you to question three. If they say it again, seriously consider breaking up with them; it means that on some level they view you as being untrustworthy because of your sexual orientation, and that's really not cool.

Being bisexual does sometimes put you in the relatively unique position of having to come out to people you're sexually or romantically involved with, which doesn't sound like a big deal until you think about it. If you're straight, the person you're dating knows that, because they're dating you. If you're gay, the person you're dating knows that, because they're dating you. If you're bi, you may find yourself in the position of having to come out--although, of course, you're not obligated to, NO OBLIGATION, YOUR LIFE, YOUR CHOICES, I should get that tattooed on my forehead.

Here's the thing: it shouldn't matter to anyone, but sometimes it does. Sometimes people are stupid and think it changes you as a person, or means they can't trust you to be faithful, or [assorted other nonsense]. That sucks, but remember, it's not on you! That's their damage, not yours.


Here is what I think of as My Personal Manifesto when it comes to my sexuality; it may apply to you, and it may not. If it does, feel free to use it wherever; if it doesn't, feel free to ignore it entirely.

To Whom It Shouldn't, But May, Concern:

I am bisexual. I am not trying to be someone I'm not; I'm not trying to deny something I am. I am not confused, greedy, or going through a phase. I'm not looking for your validation--I can do that for myself--but hey, your support would be nice. I am a ~unique and special snowflake~, but that's because I'm a human being, not because of who I'd like to fuck. I'm not interested in threesomes based solely on the qualification that one interested party has a dick and the other has a vagina. I am looking for a fulfilling, monogamous relationship with someone who understands, supports, and respects me, but I don't have a problem having some fun in the meantime. I am not a sex object. I am not a toy. I am no one's Girls Gone Wild DVD.

The fact that I am bisexual does not affect my ability to be a good daughter, sibling, friend, or significant other. The fact that I am bisexual does not define me as a person. The fact that I am bisexual does not mean I am going to leave you because you do not meet my secret bisexual needs, though I do reserve the right to leave you for other reasons, up to and including you being an ass about my sexuality. The fact that I am bisexual is not something I am obligated to talk about, but I'm not obligated to shut up about it either.

I have the right to use whatever word fits to describe myself; I have the right to change my mind about what word that might be. I have the right to tell you if, and why, a joke you told offended me. I have the right to be seen for who I am, not who I am attracted to. I have the right to smack you if you try to put me in a sexual situation you assumed (but did not ask if) I would comfortable with. My decisions about how I relate to and act upon my sexual orientation, like all my other decisions, are my own. I will shut you down if you try to tell me otherwise.

Most importantly: I am the same person I was before you knew I was bisexual, and will continue to be that person regardless of how you choose to react. How we proceed from here is on you, not on me; I'm going to be who I am, and if you have a problem with that, it is your problem alone. I like who I am, and you are not going to change me. Quite frankly, you'd be out of bounds to try.

Love and Kisses,

Page 1 of 5 << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] >>

Date: 2011-05-05 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hahaha, I knew all of this BUT I READ IT ANYWAY. Whatevs, bisexuals unite!

(basically, I have nothing of consequence to say but "rock on")

Date: 2011-05-05 11:31 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-05 09:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I cannot wait to read the book you're gonna write someday.


Date: 2011-05-05 11:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Date: 2011-05-05 09:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
If I had to find 5,000 words to describe my feelings about bisexuality perfectly (I am so bisexual) then these would be it. These words right here. Yes.

Date: 2011-05-05 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
♥ ♥ ♥!

Date: 2011-05-05 09:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love you so much. ♥

I fell in love with a girl when I was eight, but I didn't realize it was love until I was seventeen. I came out as bisexual to my parents at nineteen, then fell in love with a girl, and told them I was a lesbian. Then the girl and I broke up, and I realized I still dig dudes, which made me facepalm FOREVER, and then I went back to being bisexual. My mother now thinks I'm going through a phase, my sister thinks I'm straight but in denial, both are incredibly supportive of whoever I choose to date, and I've learned to let that shit go.

I know who I am and what I am, I know who does it for me and what does it for me, and no one gets to define my sexuality but me. Also, I will seriously goddamn kneecap anyone who ever makes the "bisexuals are greedy" joke with me. That irks me so much.

Date: 2011-05-05 11:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I LOVE YOU TOO, BB!! Ugh, isn't that second coming out the worst? You're like, um, by the way, that thing I told you before, I meant it! At...the time! Um.

And I strongly encourage the kneecapping :D

me and the long comments this week, jfc

Date: 2011-05-05 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i love when people write like REAL ADULTS on the internet. i try and do it sometimes and feel pretentious as fuck (stupid english major).

anyway, onto the part where this comment has SOMETHING TO DO with your post: im applauding. legit sitting at my desk in the sweltering heat and APPLAUDING. there are so many people (read: females) ive come across who 'pretend' to be bi so that they can kiss boys and girls without anyone saying anything. (thats a falsehood, anyways; they are often called sluts for this behavior).

i say pretending because i know for a fact (at least in one case) where the girl was not bi at all, she just wanted the attention kissing girls in public in bars/at parties/etc would get her. which does an ENORMOUS disservice to legitimately bisexual people who are just trying to live their lives and figure their shit out. it was also hugely unfair to some of the girls she kissed, because they were lesbians and genuinely interested and got shut down, often harshly.

it saddens me that people still think anything beyond straight or gay (and sometimes including gay) is fake or mythical. really? a close friend of mine considers himself pansexual and i think thats beautiful. i have a friend on here who is polyamorous and i think that is beautiful, too. they've got more balls than a lot of other people i know, being comfortable enough with themselves and their sexuality to not give a golly-goddamn about what anyone else thinks.

your PSA's are epic and great and make me feel a little bit better about humanity, because at least SOMEONE people in this world arent completely cracked.


Re: me and the long comments this week, jfc

Date: 2011-05-05 11:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

So! I have totally also known girls who have "pretended" to be bisexual. It used to annoy the shit out of me for the reasons you list: it harms other bisexual people! It makes the term as a whole look less legitimate! Now it doesn't get to me for the following reason: no matter what anyone says, it is impossible to know what's going on in someone else's head at any given moment. Maybe Girl X is really pretending to be bisexual, or maybe she's saying she's pretending because she doesn't want to admit that it's something she's struggling with. Maybe she's straight but likes kissing girls sometimes; maybe she really is just doing it for attention, but even if she is, that's her call, you know? Not that it isn't frustrating--it is, it totally is! But I am always a big supporter of educating rather than spending energy on being annoyed, if that makes sense?

IN ANY CASE, thank you for reading this, and thank you for being supportive here and with your friends, and basically thank you for being awesome :D

Date: 2011-05-05 09:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Great essay, dude. I had never bothered to look up pan/omni before, and may need to do some thinking on terminology now, but other than that I just nodded a lot all the way through.

Basically, ♥ and *solidarity fistbump*! Rock on, sistah.

Date: 2011-05-05 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Pan and omni are both really awesome terms, and I know there are resources out that can be really helpful with the sorting process there. The only place I know about offhand is The Pansexual Pride tumblr, but if anyone else has any links etc, sing out!


(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:49 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-05-05 10:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
It just happens to you, like an unexpected rainstorm or a run-in with the Doctor; there is no predicting it, it often leaves you wet when you were expecting to be dry, and it is, generally speaking, bigger on the inside.

This is probably the best line in the history of ever. This whole essay is, actually. I kind of want to print sections of it and hand them out to people who give me shit for being pansexual. (No, it's not the same, but this is all relevant.)

Also, is it wrong that I love hearing other people's awkward coming out stories? Mine went like this:

Me (on the phone): Mom, I'm dating a girl.
Mom: What? You're painting a girl?
Mom: Oh, that makes so much more sense.

Date: 2011-05-05 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Your coming out story is awesome. Mine was that my mom and I were doing yoga, and I had finally decided to tell her I was bi after weeks of struggling with the decision and, honest to God, having panic attacks over it.

Me: *deep breath* Mom, I'm-- I'm bisexual.
Mom: *does the Cobra* I know.
Me: ...WHAT?
Mom: Seriously, you're not subtle. We all know.
Me: ...I hate this family.
Mom: As long as you're happy. You know, I always wanted to be with a wo--

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-05 10:35 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-05 11:46 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-05 11:50 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:52 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-05-05 10:10 pm (UTC)
somehowunbroken: (Default)
From: [personal profile] somehowunbroken
Amen and amen.

Date: 2011-05-05 11:50 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-05 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was so awesome that I had to pause in the middle to stave off a wee cry. It was a sort of happy-with-the-yay-yes thing, and a sort of sad with the oh, things-I-have-felt thing. But, basically, without getting in a tl;dr feelings-i'm-feeling, I had all manner of good feelings from this thing you wrote and I think I may come back and read it again later, actually, and I rather love that you wrote it at all. So, thanks for the awesome :). It is appreciated.

(actually, I may go and have that cry after all)

Date: 2011-05-06 12:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, bb! I am sorry to have provoked tears, but so glad this was able to speak to you. ♥ hearts; ♥

Date: 2011-05-06 12:07 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-05-05 10:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

You have no idea how happy it makes me for someone to be saying this. I'm not bisexual, but I'm mostly cis-partly androgynous mostly panromantic asexual (oh self, why so complicated. it must be all the internets.) and not enough people are saying why all these myths, and jokes, and conceptions are WRONG.


Date: 2011-05-06 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks for unlurking, bb! And thanks for your support, and hey, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH A COMPLICATED SELF-DESCRIPTION. People are complicated ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 01:08 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 02:08 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2011-05-05 10:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hallelujah! I have to say it's very reassuring to see someone voice some of the very thoughts I have about being bisexual and also to see someone confirm some of the thoughts I had about being bisexual (that used to be worries, but now that I know I'm not the only one to think that way, no longer are). *bows down*

I'm not worthy! ;)

Date: 2011-05-06 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


Date: 2011-05-05 10:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
ZOMG. I love you so MUCH right now. Because all I have to say is... YES, YES, YES and IAWTP x1,000,000,000.

I just -- like, 30 seconds ago -- posted at length about this on my RL blog. Excerpt below...


Inspired by recent calls/letters to Dan Savage, I'm trying to be "out" to our social circle as bisexual... without being wierd or preachy about it (kids, don't try this at home). Why? Doing my part for queer/bisexual visibility, I guess. Plus, honesty = a good thing.

How I do it:

  • When issues of sexuality and/or hot girls come into the conversation, I say something lines of, "Oh, totally! I'm only 1.5 or something on the Kinsey scale, but... [insert personal anecdote/opinon]"
  • If necessary, I explain the Kinsey scale if people don't know what it is already (or can't figure it out from context).
  • If necessary, I emphasize -- as explicitly as I have to -- that
    a) yes, [Mr. Weekend] and I are in a monogamous relationship and
    b) no, I don't make a habit of going to bars to make out with random chicks.
  • ... and then, once all points have been addressed, I turn the conversation back to the original topic, i.e. NOT me.

    * I recognize that many happy, functional marriages are not monogomous. I don't think society in general is there yet, though.... particularly not a "friend" of [Mr. Weekend's] who asked why he has -- and I quote -- "never seen [me] in action". *stabbitty stabbitty*
  • Re: *delurks*

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:09 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Eeee, hooray for you being in a good solid place and talking about this! The more talking, the more understanding ♥ ♥ ♥

    Re: *delurks*

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:56 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:25 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Very well-written. I learned a lot I didn't know--I took a Human Sexualities course a few semesters ago, but some of the definitions were a little hazy to me--so thanks for that. Even as a straight woman, it irks me when people I know are so uneducated about straight/gay/bi/other-sexuality (I'm from a really small town, but jfc people, don't run your mouth about stuff you don't understand, please and thanks). Anyway, what I'm trying to say is kudos for this. There were parts that made me clap for your brilliance, and others that just made my grin, ie.; the part about Scotty Caan photos :D
    Tl;dr, this is awesome.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:13 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Ahhh, thank you so much for reading, bb! And, of course, for the support ♥

    (no subject)

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:59 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:26 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    This is awesome. :)

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:13 am (UTC)

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:27 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Thanks for this amazing essay. I feel like printing it out, and framing it, just so that I can have these words that clearly express how I feel about my sexuality.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:15 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Thank you for reading, bb! I am so glad it spoke to you, and, of course, you may feel free to do whatever you wish with it ♥

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:29 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    I think you should write more essays on everything ever. :D

    As for the general content - word. My mom still thinks that being bisexual means I can't decide if I'm straight or gay, so I've just decided to...not try to explain that I'm actually omnisexual. I actually don't usually pull the word out at all, even if I get asked 'what' I am wrt sexuality (usually following telling somebody I'm trans - it's gone from interesting to annoying how many people then need to know what my sexuality is), I just say I date everybody.

    As for your parents not talking to each other - I discovered the same thing when I came out :P to my mom first, then a few weeks later my dad said something awkward about me buying some gay-themed literature (which I had been doing for awhile by then, but he had only just noticed) and my response was 'you do remember I'm bi, right?' but apparently they just don't discuss those things. Surprise!

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:19 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Three things! One, ROCK ON WITH YOUR OMNI SELF. I can see why you wouldn't want to explain to your mother, but here in this journal we are about accepting people for who they are, and you're fully in your rights to use the word omni and be recognized as such!

    In the same theme, thing two: ROCK ON WITH YOUR TRANS SELF, and do you have a preferred pronoun? If you do, let me know; I will make an LJ note, and it will be the pronoun used always in the future :D

    Thing three: IT'S REALLY NOT FAIR THAT PARENTS DON'T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF. It would make it all so much easier if there was some kind of protocol in which you just came out to one of them and they ~magically~ both knew. Alas!

    (no subject)

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:33 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:32 pm (UTC)
    eppy: (EL DORADO | Partners.)
    From: [personal profile] eppy
    Fucking preach, honey.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:20 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]


    (no subject)

    From: [personal profile] eppy - Date: 2011-05-06 01:43 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:32 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    I too have had the pleasure of seeing Robyn Ochs on multiple occasions, and I second your bid that people check her out! She has this wonderful knack for bringing gender/sexuality discussions to a varied group of people without making things awkward for ANYBODY, regardless of how they identify. But then, so do you. I have a tremendous amount of respect for this.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:21 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    I WANT TO BE ROBYN OCHS WHEN I GROW UP. That's not even hyperbole, I legitimately aspire to be even half as amazing as she is, she is my real life hero because she is just SO AMAZING, ugh, I cannot even.

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:33 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]

    This is exactly the sort of thing my sister would write about if she had the time to write anymore. And to borrow my almost-sister-in-law's favorite phrase: right on.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:21 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    ♥ ♥ ♥!

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:34 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    This, forever.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:22 am (UTC)

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:53 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY THAT I LOVE YOU?~ (I would've done that in sparkletext, but livejournal has made that impossible lately and I'm not clever enough to work out how to get around it. Fucking magnets, how do they work?)

    I think I always had an awareness of being bisexual, because it never occurred to me to not be attracted to women as well as men.

    When I was fourteen, Brody Dalle sealed this realization. (Yes, that is what she looks like all of the time, pretty much. You're welcome.

    title or description

    It was through looking at photos of her then-boyfriend, now-husband, Josh Homme, that I think I realized that I found them both wildly attractive. (He's more unconventionally attractive, but has a ginger quiff and wears awesome cowboy shirts and is tattooed all to fuck. I am powerless in the face of those three factors, I gotta tell you.)

    title or description

    I looked at these two fine people, and was like oh. (Also, pretty sure I have Homme's boots in that photo. They don't look as cool on me.)

    title or description

    So, yeah. I suffered homophobic bullying in high school, despite never being out, (it wasn't worth it, and it would have only made things worse), and I admire greatly my male gay friend who let a lot more people know, but the fact was: I was already a target. I dressed funny, I was confrontational towards sexism, and I was (without sounding like a huge vain asshole) pretty clever. I  threatened a lot of people, regardless of gender, and it wasn't until two years ago, when my Mum told me that people were afraid of me until I was about 18, by which everyone had calmed the fuck down, that I understood.
    Fast forward three and a half-ish years. I'm out to my closest friends, and am yet to tell my parents. They support gay rights, it'll be fine, my Mum's oldest friend is a lesbian who lives in New England with her girlfriend and their super-cute doggie, but I'm irrationally terrified. (I knew I had to tell them when my Dad put my down as "heterosexual" on a form. My Mum was like, NO DARLING, THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK THAT QUESTION, TELL THEM TO GET LOST. I've only ever dated one person, a guy, and I think, understandably, this has led them to the wrong conclusion.)

    part two, fuck you lj

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:54 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    My little sister is a different story. She said, two years ago, that she thought bisexuals were greedy, (for which my father ripped her a new one), and was irrationally scared that if she was assigned a lesbian roommate in college that the girl would fall in love with her, (for which my father and mother ripped her a new one, YOU ARE NOT CATNIP FOR LESBIANS [SISTER'S NAME], YOU WOULDN'T SAY THAT ABOUT A STRAIGHT BOY, SHUT UP), and asked me this holiday home from college why lesbians are attracted to women who look like men, and my Mum was all, "Some are. Ask Postcard, she explained it to me once, and it all made sense. I forgot it because it was complicated, but anyway, ask your sister." (I don't know what she meant, really - in her defence, she knows very little about gender theory - but few things she have ever said to me have made me feel so proud.) My sister did not let me explain that one, but whatever. I think she'll get over it when she actually meets a fucking lesbian and realizes they aren't gropey unicorns who want to marry her against her will.
    I meant to come out his holiday. I didn't, for reasons unconnected. I hope to do it when I go home at the end of June, officially having finished college. 
    Jizz, you're one of the best people I know, (who did not ask for my life story, sorry), and I love you madly, okay? I want to give this to everyone who's ever asked me to "tell me about fucking girls, that's hot", or suggested that I wanted to be a man with absolutely no evidence, or to the ex who told me that girls in leather and Docs "look like dykes" and "aren't attractive" - I love that he assumed that the two are mutually exclusive - and re: the unattractive part, look back up at Brody. I rest my case, awesome people of the jury.
    Also, I'm nearly finished what you sent me but I won't have time to finish it until tomorrow, forgive me, but it is unspeakably awesome.

    Re: part two, fuck you lj

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:26 am (UTC) - Expand

    Re: part two, fuck you lj

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:41 am (UTC) - Expand

    Re: part two, fuck you lj

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:49 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 10:56 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Delurking to thank you so much for writing this. You've effectively listed all of the reasons why I'm afraid of admitting to most people that I identify as bisexual. I feel like printing this out and handing it to them.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:33 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Thank you so much for reading! And, in all seriousness, if you think it will help, you may feel free to do whatever you like with this post!

    I will offer this one bit of advice: much like the whole "visibility of bisexuality" thing Robyn Ochs taught me about, I think the vocabulary we use to think about these things has, at very least, a subconscious effect on how we continue to think about them. So! I would try to think of it as "telling" or "explaining" or, perhaps best, "sharing with" people that you bisexual, as opposed to "admitting." I know this seems like a subtle distinction, and of course you can do whatever you want! But the word "admitting" has some negative connotations that go along with it--we admit to a flaw, or a weakness, or a crime. And your bisexuality is none of those things! It's just a thing about you, like your hair or eye color, like the kind of breakfast cereal you prefer.

    Basically: you are awesome as you are, and anyone who tries to bring you down is not worth your time ♥

    (no subject)

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 02:14 pm (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 11:03 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    I am so bad at responding to things like this, but thank you, so much.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:34 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Thank you for reading, bb!

    (no subject)

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 01:35 am (UTC) - Expand

    Date: 2011-05-05 11:03 pm (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Wow. Playing friends of friends yields AWESOME results sometimes. ^_^ This made me literally pump my fist in the air in triumph and solidarity and then, because I did so halfway through your essay, have to leave it there like so much Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club.

    By which I mean, hi. I really liked this post.

    Date: 2011-05-06 12:36 am (UTC)
    From: [identity profile]
    Friends of friends is an AWESOME game, as is the image of a Judd Nelson fist pump, forever and always ♥ Thanks for reading, bb!

    (no subject)

    From: [identity profile] - Date: 2011-05-06 12:40 am (UTC) - Expand
    Page 1 of 5 << [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] >>


    gyzym: (Default)

    July 2011

    S M T W T F S
    24252627 282930

    Most Popular Tags

    Style Credit

    Expand Cut Tags

    No cut tags
    Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 05:30 am
    Powered by Dreamwidth Studios