gyzym: (Hnnnnnnng Kono)
[personal profile] gyzym
Welp, tonight's H50 sucked. Here to improve it are four ridiculous possible deleted scenes. Pick your poison!



One:

"So," says Steve, "if we ever have kids, what religion do you think we'll raise them to be?"

Danny doesn't spit out his beer, but it's a close thing. "What?" he says, and then, "I'm sorry, Steven, I am, I really am, but what? What is the matter with you, huh? You give a guy a couple blowjobs, a few good fucks, I'm not denying it, they were good, there are maybe even--don't make that face at me, McGarrett, there are maybe some feelings involved, one of two or four, okay, fine. But this? This is not the stage where you bring up the religion of our potential children, okay? Jeez."

"Hmmm," Steve says. "Yeah, probably not. Maybe I should cool it on the beer for a little while."

"Christ," Danny says, "you are a broken person, you know that?"

"Yeah," Steve says, and smiles, tilts his head contemplatively. "Hey, you don't think the residual aftereffects of this conversation will slip into everything we do, making us mention religious-type shit every ten minutes or so through the rest of our next case, do you?"

"Why would I think that?" says Danny.

"No reason," says Steve, "wanna bone?"


Two:

Struck with a particularly vicious case of insomnia, Danny runs out of decent hockey fight clips on Youtube and is, regrettably, forced to surf the site for other things instead. He ends up watching P.Diddy music videos, bleary eyed and unfocused, until Steve comes downstairs and drags him to bed. He's not sure if he manages to sleep because of the hours of mindless internet perusal or the truly spectacular sex, but he wakes up the next morning blinking and confused.

"I just had the weirdest dream," he says.

"Um," says Steve, looking oddly nervous, "what…happened in your dream?"

"I don't even," Danny says, waving a hand. "You drove through a gate--I mean, that part wasn't weird, that was just normal, and Kono climbed a tree, which, okay, makes me wonder if you're secretly training her for SEAL school or something and my subconscious is trying to tip me off so I can run, but, no. I think we were trying to save P.Diddy from evil? Only he had a gunshot wound but then he didn't anymore, I don't know, it was weird."

"So you didn't," Steve says, "oh, I don't know, I'm just spitballing here, stare into the deep abyss of mind control or anything, right? Not that there are secret military operations initiating human testing via the water supply. Because that would be ridiculous. Ahahahahahaha, yep, nope, that's totally not happening at all. Anywhere. Ever."

Danny stares at him. "You know," he says, "I like you a lot, Steve, I do, it's great, but sometimes you make me really fucking nervous, you know that?"


Three:

"This case was weird," Danny says, flopping down on the couch next to Steve. "Like, seriously, just--there was some shit about that that was not right, you get me?"

"Yeah," Steve says, "yeah, I really do. This whole week has been--"

"Yeah," Danny says. "Whatever, at least it's over now. What're you watching?"

"Nothing," Steve says, gesturing at the screen, "nothing's really on, I think this is a cooking show or something."

"Hmmm," Danny says, "'kay."

He settles in against Steve, because he's tired, okay, it's been a weird couple of days and he's comfortable, and lets his focus drift to the screen. Which, yeah, looks like a cooking show, no problem, he can fall asleep to that and that is what he wants to do, the sleeping thing sounds--

"Hey," Danny says, "hey, hey, wait a second. Steve, that guy waving at the pickles, is that--is that Wo Fat?"


Four:

"Kono," says Chin, "why are you shooting web out of your hands?"

"What radioactive spider?" says Kono, and goes about her day.

Date: 2011-04-19 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] duffy-99.livejournal.com
These are awesome with an extra helping of awesome on top!

Date: 2011-04-19 06:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eccentrikita.livejournal.com
...This is the only appropriate response to this episode, I believe. Excellent work, madame.

Date: 2011-04-19 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] queenklu.livejournal.com
THIS MAKES EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING BETTER.

Date: 2011-04-19 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] false-alexis.livejournal.com
I am going to let these scenes overwrite canon in my brain, if you don't mind. (Yes, lovely seder, hope the same for you. It was... more fun than the ep? Later this week I will be using your chicken soup recipe to prepare enough food for the rest of passover, so at least that's something happy.)

Date: 2011-04-19 06:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sour-idealist.livejournal.com
...what on Earth happened in this episode that all of these things could explain it and be necessary to do so? I am actually tempted to go find it and watch, despite the fact that I would understand precisely none of it, just to find out.

(I would comment on the fics properly if I had any idea what they were about, but even without context they sounded amusing.)

Date: 2011-04-19 01:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] allheadybooks.livejournal.com
just... don't watch this episode. This one was baaaaaaaaaad. Like, God every five minutes, P. Diddy's poor acting, everybody really boring because the writing was so bad. Even Keith David could not salvage the forgettable generic mess that was this episode.

Date: 2011-04-20 01:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moodring54.livejournal.com
Ugh. Every time Combs and David interacted it was painful to see the glaring differences in their talent.

Date: 2011-04-19 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loveflyfree.livejournal.com
ahahahahahahahaha AWESOME. I think all four of them are totally viable. and yeah. this episode was. yeah. there were moments. mostly involving Danny being snarky and wonderful but other than that? blergh. and the ending where Steve said P Puff Daddy Diddle Dirty Combs could come back made me yell at my tv and not in the good OH BOYS kind of way. more in the way Danny might yell. and made me question if I missed a scene where he suffered a SEVERE BLOW TO THE HEAD.

(but I can not lie there was Steve in a wetsuit at the beginning so uh. points for that?)

Date: 2011-04-19 06:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seeingrightly.livejournal.com
Really, really though, REALLY, Steven, you paused for several seconds too long when P. fucking Diddy asked if you had any kids.

"Hmm. Kind of? Does an essential step-daughter count? I mean, I'm pretty much always there whenever her father gets to see her - custody problems, you know - and I've started redoing one of the rooms in my house for her, and she did teach me how to braid her hair last week, and one time this old lady at the supermarket thought that she was actually mine and Gracie didn't even correct her, so - oh, sorry, what was that about your dead wife?"

Date: 2011-04-19 07:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fic-kitty.livejournal.com
Lol. Dead wives, man, always getting in the way of your EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

Date: 2011-04-19 07:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] esteefee.livejournal.com
::dies happy::

Date: 2011-04-19 10:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sirona-gs.livejournal.com
That moment right there? I kept waiting for Steve to go, "Uh, sort of, yeah?" I should imagine most of the codas to this ep will spin around this moment! :D

Date: 2011-04-22 10:35 am (UTC)
ext_127: (hawaii five-0 steve is ridic)
From: [identity profile] ariadne83.livejournal.com
I knooooow. That was ridic. And awesome.

Date: 2011-04-19 06:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fic-kitty.livejournal.com
The mental image of a drunk Steve McGarrett saying "Wanna bone" is gonna stick with me for a while :D Hilarious, as all these little bits are hilarious and totally appropriate to the source material \o/

Date: 2011-04-19 07:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] iseame.livejournal.com
Ohhhhhhhh so that's what was going on today. Pffft. Duh. XD

But um. Yes. Today's episode. I just. *sigh* Can we just rewind and pretend that last week's episode was this week's episode and just be all 'splodey again? That was much more fun.

Or, you know. We can find the writer of 1x20 and demand they rewrite this episode. OR EVEN BETTER. LET'S REPLACE THE WRITERS WITH SOMEONE FROM FANDOM. YES? YES? I VOTE FOR YOU.

I mean, don't get me wrong. There were definitely some parts that deserve brownie points like Steve and his wet suit and the carguement and the Spidey-woman Kono! and the Steve channeling his Gracie's-Most-Awesome-Step-Steve!ness with Kevin and Danny/Kono bffness and Chin's cheekbones and (some of)Steve's witty one-liners, etc. etc.

Date: 2011-04-19 07:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jesseofthenorth.livejournal.com
THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS EPISODE MAKE SENSE!

Date: 2011-04-19 07:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hungerpunch.livejournal.com
this made me feel a lot better after that letdown of an episode :(

Date: 2011-04-19 07:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ecarian.livejournal.com
THIS IS AMAZING AND MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.

OMFG IRON CHEF. AHAHAHA MY NIGHT IS MADE.

Date: 2011-04-19 07:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] moonfoot-gamgee.livejournal.com
AHAHA! GENIUS. Can I pick all four? Somehow? If I had to choose, two would be my favorite. And four, but that's a given.

Date: 2011-04-19 07:43 am (UTC)
ext_88181: (Default)
From: [identity profile] chaoticallyclev.livejournal.com
My poison would be the uber potent version of all four since they are awesome. Spiderwoman Kono and her alleged wild nights was probably my favorite part of the ep that I will probably completely forget about by tomorrow because it is that relevent to my interest in this show. (...and it's good that I will foget, because that is a hella long internal title for that ep. jeez.)

ALL THE HEARTS ALWAYS.

Date: 2011-04-19 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theonlytwin.livejournal.com
two is canon now. and one is dream!canon!

three and four have always been canon, haven't they?

Date: 2011-04-19 08:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] melted-snowdrop.livejournal.com
Oh gosh, what happened this episode? I'm all for spoilers, even if I'm only on ep.9. I'll probably end up skipping to watch the latest episode because this is killllling me.

Date: 2011-04-19 09:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theonlytwin.livejournal.com
nothing really happened, which was the weird thing. it was just a really off episode. it was the p diddy episode, and will forever be remembered as such.

also, kono climbed a palm tree with the power of her mind and a rock!

Date: 2011-04-19 08:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] viennajones.livejournal.com
:D :D :D I have a feeling Kono might be turning into a Baby!SEAL. And it really all is McGarrett's fault.

What was it with all those references to God and Heaven and Hell, though? Where did that even come from?

Date: 2011-04-19 09:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] elessae.livejournal.com
YES TO EVERYTHING.

LOL.

I think I just choked.

Date: 2011-04-19 10:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lemmealone.livejournal.com
LMAOOOOO. This has replaced the actual episode in my head, Puff Diddly and all. EXCELLENT.

Date: 2011-04-19 10:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lightily.livejournal.com
YESSSSSSS. YES TO EVERYTHING IN HERE.

Date: 2011-04-19 10:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunsaralyn.livejournal.com
Hahha You probably know what I"m going to say. But I liked this ep... mostly. I did notice, and I dunno if anybody else has said anything. But... but ... Steve read someone his rights!!! Danno must be making somewhat of an impact.

Like the shorts. Heh. Funny. :D

Date: 2011-04-19 10:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sirona-gs.livejournal.com
The only thing remotely redeeming about this ep is the epicness that is our Five-0 Team. And now this post.

Date: 2011-04-19 11:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wheres-walnut.livejournal.com
Only pleasure from this episode was laughing at how ridiculous it was to have P Diddy or whatever his name is now on my screen.

Get of my lawwwwwwwn.

Date: 2011-04-19 12:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] belle-favrielle.livejournal.com
THE FIRST ONE. It is accurate. Thanks so much for this! :)

Date: 2011-04-19 12:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lavender-basil.livejournal.com
These.are.awesome!

And while reading the first one, I was suddenly like, "I wanna fic where Steve and Danny adopt a kid. NOW!" /o\ So...thanks for inspiring this desire? ;-)

Date: 2011-04-19 12:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sheafrotherdon.livejournal.com
aahahahahahahaahahaha, YES. I love the idea that IT'S ALL A DREAM. TAKE THAT SHOW. WE CAN MAKE EVERYTHING A TROPE.

Date: 2011-04-19 01:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thegrrrl2002.livejournal.com
\o/

Can I pick all of them?

Date: 2011-04-19 01:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] allheadybooks.livejournal.com
Yes, this is much better. You're right, there was much that was dream-logicy about this episode: people were bantering and it was funny, but then when you remember the actual words they're not funny at all; this side character dude was way more vivid than the actual plot; people were shot and then later they were not shot anymore; Kono climbs a tree with her thighs, which I don't know about you but that is a major feature in many of my dreams these days.

Date: 2011-04-19 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jazzonia.livejournal.com
Hah, love it! Wo Fat! ♥
Edited Date: 2011-04-19 02:17 pm (UTC)

Date: 2011-04-19 03:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eaconwell.livejournal.com
ROFL <3 <3 <3 so much XD

Date: 2011-04-19 04:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chibirhm.livejournal.com
I APPROVE OF ALL OF THESE OPTIONS.

Date: 2011-04-19 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] siehn.livejournal.com
-dies-

I just spent a few minutes cleaning tea up that I snorted out of my nose, and couldn't stop laughing.

Seriously. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS I NEEDED IT AFTER LAST NIGHT.

Date: 2011-04-19 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alamo-girl80.livejournal.com
Yeah...between the anvils and the P Diddy show last night, I was just majorly MEH about it. I think I was nicer in my official review than I am on here.

Man gets shot in the fucking liver, he stays down. Period.

Date: 2011-04-19 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com
THATS WHAT IM SAYING, WTF.

ugh, continuity was shucked out the window this week.

Date: 2011-04-19 05:56 pm (UTC)
somehowunbroken: (5-0 Steve/Danny waist)
From: [personal profile] somehowunbroken
"Hey," Danny says, "hey, hey, wait a second. Steve, that guy waving at the pickles, is that--is that Wo Fat?"

This makes that entire episode worth it. :D

Date: 2011-04-19 07:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stella-pagan.livejournal.com
*dissolves into laughter*

ahahahahahahahah oh my GOD (who, apparently, Steve McGarrett answers to? question mark?) i am DYING. IS THAT WO FAT? IS IT???? LOLLLLLLL



(seriously, though, this ep was abjectly terrible. except for the part where Kono climbed a tree and also whenever Steve and Danny spoke to each other, obviously. And Kamekona! soooooo, whenever they weren't focused on the case. oh, except when Steve was a Big Damn Hero and my ovaries exploded.)

Date: 2011-04-19 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gunslingaaahhh.livejournal.com
ALL OF THESE ARE BETTER THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, OK, JESUS.

"wanna bone?" is amazing, because i frequently find myself asking the same thing *cough*

"So you didn't," Steve says, "oh, I don't know, I'm just spitballing here, stare into the deep abyss of mind control or anything, right? Not that there are secret military operations initiating human testing via the water supply. Because that would be ridiculous. Ahahahahahaha, yep, nope, that's totally not happening at all. Anywhere. Ever."

this? ^^^ yes.

KONO IS THE AMAZING SPIDERWOMAN AND OMG IM ADDING THAT TO MY HALLOWEEN MIGHTY MOUSE THING.

Date: 2011-04-19 09:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zolac-no-miko.livejournal.com
Okay, honestly? I didn't think that episode was any worse than they usually are. I mean, if I'm being frank, I thought that last week's episode, all epic lulz and massive gay aside, was pretty fucking terrible.

...But I admit that this episode was occasionally pretty freaking ridiculous, and all of these deleted scenes definitely improve it, like, 110%.

Date: 2011-04-19 09:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] raec123.livejournal.com
Okay, really....please, please, please people! Go post on CBS.com forums and make the writers/producers/whatever understand how crappy this episode was. Please! I'm begging you. For some odd reason, the posters seem to think that this was an "awesome" episode, that FBI Chick would make an excellent girlfriend for Steve, and that P.Diddy far surpassed expectations for his acting skill.

Or, or, or...maybe we can just rewrite it like above only with a pg rating. *snicker*

Date: 2011-04-20 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fandorina13.livejournal.com
Ha ha your snippets just made the episode a lot better ! That was the most crappy one of the show so far.

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